About a year ago, we were in the market for a new lawn mower. Our old lawn mower was fine. Nothing wrong with it. Just, you know, my husband felt that we needed a new one. I was actually happy that we were getting a new lawn mower…because the current lawn mower was gigantic and ridiculous and impossible for me to use. It looked like this:
Look at that crazy thing! You don’t push it OR sit on it…you stand on the back and just sort of whir around the yard. It’s insane. You can see why I was happy to hear that we were getting a new one. (Or as happy as I could possibly be about something as boring as getting a new lawn mower.)
While my husband spent every single spare moment researching lawn mowers, I ever-so-helpfully told him that if he would just get a lawn mower that I could handle, I would be happy to mow the lawn while he was at work. I envisioned something like this:
With the following features:
- Cup holder for my iced coffee.
- Comfy seat
- Steering wheel
- Four normal-looking tires
I pictured myself riding around the yard on that thing with my trusty iced coffee by my side. I was pretty sure that I could find something on Pinterest that would teach me how to make patterns in the lawn…maybe even a quick little tutorial on how to trim the bushes around the house into fun little animal shapes… I was super psyched thinking about it. (No need to tell me how lucky my husband is that he landed such a fab helpful wife. Hashtag: he hit the wife lottery.)
Oddly enough, my husband wasn’t all that keen on the idea of me taking over the lawn care. How do I know? Because he came home one day with our new lawn mower…that looks like this:
What you see before you is a commercial-grade, 48″, nary a cup-holder in sight, super-colossal enormous lawn mower. Your eyes do not deceive you. This monster boasts the following features:
- Some sort of steering device. If you push the right handle, you go left. If you push the left handle, you go right. If you were in some sort of lawnmower emergency situation I can’t imagine your natural instinct to be anything other than to immediately push BOTH handles at the same time and go down a ditch into the woods.
- A rather comfortable-looking seat. With arm rests. This is the only positive thing I will say about this thing.
- A roll bar. Did you hear me? A. Roll. Bar. The manufacturer obviously KNOWS of the high probability of a lawnmower freak out, (as mentioned in feature #1.) The manufacturer KNOWS that there is a fairly good chance that you are going to launch yourself into the woods by mistake and flip over.
- An empty space where the cup holder should be.
- A giant set of tires.
- A little grouping of tiny tires that seem to serve no purpose because they float about the ground.
- Another set of average-sized tires that clearly have NO traction what-so-ever.
If this lawnmower doesn’t scream “Don’t touch my lawn!” I don’t know what does.
When I told my husband that I couldn’t help him with the lawn now because the lawn mower was stupidly gigantic, he looked at me like I was crazy. He told me that I could definitely handle the lawnmower. He said that he would put me through a training session for a month, and that I could practice mowing the lawn without the blades down. (No, for real, he said that.)
As if I have an actual interest in learning how to operate this machine.
I have no such interest.
I just wanted to “help” because I thought it would be fun to drive around the yard wearing a cute hat. I don’t actually care about the lawn.
Plus, I’m fairly certain that any attempt on my part to operate this monster would just end with me being med-flighted somewhere.
Thanks, but no thanks. When it comes to caring for our lawn, I’m tapping out.