The Outhouse

No Public Restrooms picture

My youngest kids love public restrooms. LOVE them. Doesn’t matter where we are: a store, a restaurant, the library. Even outhouses hold some sort of mystical fascination over them. Public restrooms gross me out. Not them. They see the sign for the bathroom and they are like “I gotta get me some of that!” So in we go. The routine is always the same. First they comment on the atmosphere of that particular restroom: “Wow, look at the doors! They’re blue!” Then onto the smell: “Why does it smell so gross in here?” (asked incredulously EVERY time) Then onto the fight about who gets to be in which stall: “I want the big one! No, I want the big one, you can have the small one because you’re littler than me! I not little! I big! Well, you still can’t have the big one.” Then no one wants me to go in the stall with them: “I’m going in alone, Mom! And I’m locking the door, too!” (said with all the teenage angst a 5-year old can muster). But of course they want me to wipe them: “Can you crawl under the stall door and come wipe me?” And as if all of that isn’t gross enough, they love to go #2 while they are there. They say it all nonchalant, like they are going to kill two birds with one stone: “Yea, I think I’m just going to poop while I’m in here.” Sometimes I’m like “What?! Fine whatever, just hurry up.” Sometimes (like at the dentist’s office where the bathroom is small with no ventilation and is right off the waiting room) I’m like “Oh hell no! You are holding that poop until we get home.” So you would think that all of this would have prepared me for Sunday at the boys’ football game when of course the littlest girl had to pee. She took one look at that big orange outhouse (with graffiti all over the outside of it, mind you) and she giddily decided that she just HAD to use the bathroom. Immediately. And try as I might to make that wish come true, I couldn’t do it (due to the absurd amount of pee all over the toilet seat.) So instead, I introduced her to the fine art of squatting and peeing next to a tree (a la my sophomore year in college). Which she thought was awesome and hysterical, and so did her sister. And frankly so did I…until she announced (all super casual) that she had to poop. Which her sister thought was even way MORE awesome and hysterical than just peeing next to a tree. And while I’m manically shrieking “Don’t you dare! You’re not an animal!” I’m thinking to myself: Really? THIS is my life. Standing outside, next to a tree, begging my 3-year-old not to poop on my shoe. #SheDidntDoIt  #MyShoeWasSaved #FeralChild

11 thoughts on “The Outhouse

  1. Hilarious!!! I fondly, or not so fondly, remember my oldest and his love for a public restroom. I can tell I am going to love this blog!! Moms to crazy kids unite!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sooooo happy you started this blog. FINALLY the world will
    Know how hilarious your normal life is. I am thrilled to say that we were here in the beginning to read it all.

    For the record..my younger son (at the time about 4 years old) did actually poop at the neighbors mailbox. He said…”I had to go bad”. All I saw was him pulling his pants up…let’s just say this story ends with me in a disguise equipped with a plastic grocery bag.

    Keep em coming! It’s makes all is moms feel better.

    Like

  3. I am crying, I am laughing so hard and at the orthodontist in public to boot!!! I am thrilled you will be sharing all your stories with us!!! Thanks for the smiles today and congrats on your new venture!! I look forward to your next post!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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