Here is my confession…I fake it. That’s right, you read that correctly. I. Fake. It. And if you’re a parent don’t even try to tell me that you haven’t faked it…because I totally know you are lying. And now you’re a faker who lies about it, and, really, do you want to keep going down that path of self-destruction? Just come on over to the dark side with the rest of us. That’s right, come on…we’ll get thru this together. You’re just like me, I know you are.
Monday mornings I’m all gung-ho, fresh from the weekend of sharing the mayhem of children with my husband. Do I want to watch you dance some strange lyrical dance while your sister hums a tune she is making up as she goes? Of course I do! I really do. I think that would be swell. Do I want to just sit here while you create your Minecraft house, complete with fireplace, cows, pick axes, and Steve? Yes! Thanks for asking! Sitting on the couch with you sounds like the perfect way to spend my afternoon! Do I want to watch a re-run of Peppa Pig for the 5 millionth time even though I have a bazillion other things to do? You know it! But by Friday…forget about it. By Friday I’m faking it. Big Time. And it is all I can do to paste a fake smile on my face and agree to watch you perform the “Disappearing Quarter” magic trick AGAIN. And I have to physically MAKE myself politely clap at the end, instead of saying “I saw you throw the quarter behind your head. I actually heard it hit the wall and then clatter to the floor. Did you think that I did NOT see that?” But wait, of course you think I didn’t see that, because I acted amazed. I fake-looked around for the quarter, I checked your hands and up your sleeve as I faked astonishment that the quarter had really disappeared. I’m awesome at faking it. And I don’t really think that there is anything wrong with it. I actually think it is a good thing. The alternative is unsavory. The alternative looks like this:
“How did my school paper end up in the trash?”
I put it there. Along with the million other papers that you all bring home every single day. Because I am literally inundated with school papers and I don’t even know what to do with them all. I think a better question here is why are you going thru the trash…
“Do you want to play pretend restaurant?”
Nope. Not unless you are serving me real food, with a real drink (preferably wine), and then cleaning everything up afterwards. Not interested.
“Can we have tacos on Tuesday nights?”
No we can not. Because I will spend a ton of time prepping the toppings, and seasoning the meat, and crisping up the tortilla shells…and none of you will eat anything except the olives. So let’s stop this tomfoolery and I will just buy a bunch of cans of olives and grab some toothpicks and we’ll call it good.
“Do you want to play Simon Says?”
No. There is nothing I would like to do LESS than play Simon Says right now. Unless it is Monday morning, then I will play Simon Says. Otherwise, no.
So you see what I mean my fellow parents? (That’s right, fake smile, nod your head and fake agree with me.) It’s good to be a faker sometimes. Welcome to the dark side, it’s delightful to have you here.