Anyone who knows me knows I love Bruce Jenner. Love him. As in a totally obsessed, completely fascinated, president of his fan club, real love forever kind of love. I’m a Brucer. For life.
So I was as shocked as everyone else about the, er, changes, going on in Bruce’s life lately. Some confusing changes. But never fear, because as the pretend president of his make believe fan club I think I’m able to speak with complete authority about what (I believe) is actually going on with the former Olympian. I think he needs to get away. To break the spell. I have a feeling that if Bruce went into an isolation chamber for a month he would come out scratching his head like, Why is my nose so skinny, and why do I barely have any nostrils? What happened to my Adam’s apple? And Holy f*#%, where are my balls?!
Bruce Jenner needs a good Kardashian detox. And he needs it STAT.
I get it, Bruce. I get it. You’re in the middle of it so you can’t see how things have taken a strange and unexpected twist. You are all day surrounded by lifted faces, botoxed brows, sculpted noses, plumped lips, implanted boobs, and tucked tummies. That’s your normal. That’s what surrounds you all day every day. And we all know what happens when you are around something all the time. You become just like that thing or person. (Which is why you should be mindful of who you surround yourself with, and you should be careful what kind of dog you get because people always seems to end up looking like their dog…but I digress.) The women around you look beautiful and age-less. So it’s no wonder that lots of plastic surgery seems like the next logical step in your life. And if that’s what you want to do, have at it. But you’re not a Kardashian, dude…you’re Bruce JENNER. You’re a man. Looking like a beautiful age-less woman may not be the cards you were dealt. If you want to get some work done maybe get some hair plugs. Some sort of face lift. Christ, maybe even get a penile implant if you want to change things down there. But don’t cut off your junk…that’s just crazy. You might need all that someday, and I have a feeling it is waaay easier to cut off than to sew back on.
I totally understand the misguided “everyone around me is doing it so it must be normal” mentality. I do. Let’s not forget…I grew up in the 80s. I TOTALLY get thinking you look very regular when, in fact, you look sort of odd. I was all gigantic hair, banana clip, and Aquanet Extra Hold hairspray. Wet & Wild #528 frosty pink lipstick (pinched from the local Brooks Pharmacy), light blue eye shadow, and blue mascara. I looked like a moron. My parents thought I looked like a moron. My parents’ friends thought I looked like a moron. I thought I looked like the cat’s ass. I thought I looked totally normal because this was the way EVERYONE around me looked. We all looked absolutely bizarre…and since we ALL looked bizarre, none of us felt bizarre. We felt average, run-of-the-mill, oh-my-god-these-pants-are-so-easy-to-peg, normal.
You need to un-peg your pants, Bruce. Just for a minute. Un-peg those pants and walk away. You just need 90 Kardashian-free days to get your head back on straight. Like Team Beach Body, only this is Team Bruce. 90 days to total transformation. Back to basics. Back to who you really are. 90 days back to Bruce.