Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me and be my friend
Ummmm….yeah. I’m going to revise that just a tad.
Dear child of mine, who for some reason cannot grasp the concept of just simply walking along next to me…
Don’t walk in front of me. Seriously, don’t. You keep stopping short and I have tripped over you three times already.
Don’t walk behind me. First of all, I can’t see you when you’re behind me because you are literally RIGHT behind me. I have to keep swiveling my head all around to try to find you. Plus, you’re probably stopping short and tripping up the people behind YOU. So quit it.
Just walk beside me. Like I’ve asked you to do. Like 5 thousand times so far. Five thousand times, and we’ve only been in the store for 7 ½ minutes. You are stumbling all around like you had a Bloody Mary for breakfast. Are you zig zagging on purpose? Are you trying to aggravate me? The world is not your oyster in this store. That straight line right there? THAT is your oyster.
And by the way, that goes double for when we are walking in the town parade proudly representing our favorite preschool in town (South Walpole Community Preschool! Holla!) You keep bobbing and weaving in front of me. I can’t even look up to wave to anyone I see on the sidewalk because if I do I will most likely go ass over tea kettle in front of the whole town. I’m not cool with that.
Oh, and that goes triple for when I am trying to carry a huge basket full of laundry. I can’t even see you down there because you are so small, but I know you are there because I can hear you talking and singing. And I can feel you dangerously close to my legs. I know your tricks. You’re going to lull me into a false sense of “hey, maybe I can make it from here to there without practically breaking my neck”. But this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. So I’m not walking, I’m shuffling. It’s the only way I feel safe.
And, oh my God, that goes quadruple for when I’m trying to hoof it up and down the street with the neighbor. You’re breaking my stride, kid. If you absolutely, positively must INSIST on walking with us then stop criss-crossing in my path. I’m trying to break a sweat. Trying to burn off some of this winter weight so that I can look super snazzy in my summer clothes. There’s a reason that I’m out here and it’s not because I like to walk up and down the street…it’s because I like to eat cookies. Particularly chocolate chip. But that is beside the point.
What is so hard about walking straight?! I’m going to Google it. No, wait! I’m going to check it out on Pinterest. Genius!! There must be some sort of crafty, super-fun way to repurpose an old tv stand that I find on the side of the road into some sort of sanded and painted apparatus that will keep you walking on the straight and narrow. This is going to be awesome! I’ll let you know what I find. Gotta go!