I only have like 7 forks in my entire house. I started out with a gazillion…and now I have 7. I have no idea what happened to them. All I can think is that they are hiding out somewhere with the missing spoons, because I only have 5 of those left. I’m not even talking about 5 regular, normal spoons. I’m talking 2 small spoons, 2 bigger spoons, and one mammoth spoon that came with the silverware set when I first got it (and I was like, “what the heck am I supposed to do with this gigantic spoon?”) Now that weird rogue spoon is being used as a cereal spoon by my tiny 6-year-old (who can barely even lift it.)
I don’t get where everything disappears to.
It’s not like they are socks.
Socks are expected to disappear. It’s like in the life manual that the sun will rise, the sun will set, and the sock will lose it’s match. When I get a new package of socks I have a quick discussion with them before I launch them into the washing machine, “Alright guys, look to your left, look to your right…one of you won’t be here after the rinse cycle. God speed.” If I grab the stuff out of the dryer and all the socks have come out with their buddy I’m shocked. I call my sister to tell her, and we both marvel at these warrior socks who made it through battle together. So, yes, missing socks I understand. Missing other stuff…not so much.
Like the time our pizza cutter disappeared. Gone. Poof! One week it was there, the next week I go to slice the pizza up and it is gone. I Nancy Drew’d the crap out of that mystery, though, until I realized that in a weird fit of cleaning-up-post-pizza-consumption my husband threw the “empty” pizza boxes into the trash with the pizza cutter still inside one of them. (Now that I think about it, that could also account for at least one of the missing forks…)
The other thing that disappears at my house all the time are Sharpie markers. Sharpies are both feared and coveted at chez Butters. I love them so much. So much. When I go to the store and I’m in the marker aisle I always look at the lovely packages of Sharpies and daydream that I could buy them all. “Look at all those brand new Sharpies!” I have visions of sharply permanent drawings being created on paper (or any other appropriate blank canvas), and then being framed and hung up, or tucked into baby books. My husband has visions of sharply permanent scribbles on the wall and furniture. (Truth be told, his vision is probably more realistic than mine.) But still, I love those little sticks of impossible to wash off color.
Oh, and the rate at which ChapStick disappears at my house is particularly alarming. We are right on the cusp of the dry-lip season, so all my kids are scurrying around constantly looking for something to sooth their chapping lips. I used to buy the good stuff that I knew would do the trick and do it fast. Now I just buy whatever no-name brand crap is on sale because I know that no sooner will they swipe it across their lips that *poof* it will disappear into thin air. Only to inexplicably reappear in the laundry basket because it somehow has gone thru the washer and the hot dyer…which means it has melted and destroyed all the expensive Under Armor shirts that were in there with it.
Speaking of laundry…that is quite literally the ONLY thing in my house that doesn’t disappear. It just keeps appearing and appearing like it is trying to repopulate the earth.
So the next time you come to my house, be prepared to step over large piles of laundry as you say hello to my dry-lipped children (who will most likely each be wearing only one sock while doodling on the wall with a Sharpie marker and eating humongous slices of pizza.) If you can handle that, you are welcome to come over any time. Just bring your own fork.