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My Bloody Fantastic Resolution

So I’ve been batting around a couple of ideas for my new year’s resolution. I’m planning to do just one resolution, not a whole list. A whole list is asking for trouble.

Some ideas I’ve come up with are as follows:

#1 Be more organized. This is a good one because there are a zillion ways my life would be easier if I were more organized. A zillion. But, I don’t know, somehow that seems boring. And I don’t really even know where to start. And it just seems like so much work…so onto the next idea.

#2 Have better time management. I have Pinterested the CRAP out of how to have better time management. Usually it all boils down to making “To Do” lists…which I already do. I write down a huge lists of things I need to do. Then I don’t do any of them. Or I lose the list (which probably wouldn’t happen if I were more organized. See Resolution idea #1) Other than the fact that my entire life would improve if I had better time management, I can’t really see the benefit. Next.

#3 Keep a tidier house. haha! just kidding! Nope. Next.

#4 Eat better. Clearly this is a good one. And a necessary one. But I’m already planning to do that. And since I only want to pick one resolution I don’t want to waste it on something that I’m already planning to do. (And just so you know, I’m planning to be such a healthy eater that I could enter a healthy eater contest and win. So I’m not really concerned about making it an official resolution.)

Those are the top 4 choices that I’ve been toying with. They’re boring, and they are all just sorry excuses to better myself. And improve my life. And possibly the lives of those around me.

Blah.

I need something good.

So resolution #5 is the one I’m going with.

RESOLUTION #5 ~ Stop Talking Like Peppa Pig

I’ve given this a lot of thought.

Do you know Peppa Pig? Peppa Pig is this awesome little cartoon from the UK. Peppa is the main character, and she’s the greatest. My 4-year-old is obsessed with her. We DVR it so that we never miss an episode  And Santa even brought her a Peppa Pig DVD. Yay, Santa!

My problem is that after I watch Peppa Pig (and her little brother, George) I can’t stop mimicking her voice. Her little British pig voice. I literally can’t stop. Can’t. I spend the whole day talking in a scratchy English accent, and I call everybody in the house George and Suzy Sheep, etc. Which is sort of fun at first, but then everyone gets sick of it and they are like, “Mom! Stop talking like that!” and I’m like, “I bloody can’t!” (said in an English accent of course.)

I think something is wrong with me.

So that is my resolution this year. Stop talking like a little British pig. Which, if I’m being honest, I only really stand 1/2 a chance of successfully stopping. And if I’m REALLY being honest, I’m good with it either way.

Happy New Year, Everyone!

By the way, here is a little clip of Peppa Pig. It’s only a minute and 30 seconds long. Watch it, and then seriously tell me that you wouldn’t go around talking in that voice all day. click here —>  Peppa Pig Clip

pepp

 

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Rudolph’s “friends” were Assholes

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The Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer holiday special is my LEAST favorite holiday special and it would NEVER have been made today. I’m actually surprised that there aren’t people out there protesting the yearly airing of it. Especially considering the fact that now-a-days people will literally complain about anything.

Here are few things that are so very wrong with the 1964 original version of everyone’s beloved Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer movie.

First of all, there is far too much singing. Far too much. If there absolutely HAS to be that much singing it should at least be upbeat, fun songs that my kids are going to listen to over and over and over, and then sing over and over and over until I want to rip my ears off my head.

Second, that beginning scene where Donner’s wife gives birth to their very first baby, Rudolph. Shortly after (skinny!?) Santa’s annoying song, Donner comes up with the idea to cover Rudolph’s nose with mud so he can be (and I quote) “a normal little buck just like everybody else.” (WHAT?!) And Mrs. 1964 Donner just sits idly by and lets it happen. That would NOT happen today. Nope. Mrs. 2015 Donner wouldn’t just stand there batting her doe eyes while Rudolph learns the invaluable lesson that it is not okay to be different. No, the scene would have gone more like: Skinny Santa sings his annoying song, Donner makes his dumb comment, Mrs. 2015 Donner says, “Hold up. Now, I KNOW you did not just say what I think you said. What do you know from normal anyways? You better change that attitude, and fast. Otherwise, you can just pack up your sorry ass reindeer bags and hit the road. Rudy and I will be just fine without you.”

At least that’s what I would have said.

The third thing I would like to point out is the Reindeer Games. This is where we see the little punk reindeer kids first giving Rudolph a hard time about his shiny red nose. Maybe in 1964 it was okay to all gang up on the one poor little reindeer who happened to have a weird nose, but we don’t treat our reindeer that way these days. Today those little reindeer hooligans, who were dancing all around Rudolph and making fun of him, would have immediately been suspended from reindeer school for bullying, and their families would have been shamed as the story was broadcast over social media. Then there would have been some sort of school-wide assembly making sure that everyone knew about the incident, and making sure that everyone was okay with the incident, and making sure that everyone felt safe from bullying in light of the incident. Anti-bullying signs would have been hung up all over the school, and in an act of solidarity all the other reindeer would have come to school with their noses painted red during school spirit week.

Fourth problem: the reindeer coach. The reindeer coach was basically the ring leader of the whole debacle, and skinny Santa was actually on his side! Today the jerky coach would have been fired on the spot. There would have been a full investigation, and a review of the security tape would have shown that he actually said the words: “From now on gang, we won’t let Rudolph join in any reindeer games. Right?” OMG! What the heck was THAT all about? What an asshole.

Fifth. The only bright spot in the entire ugly Reindeer Games scene is that Rudy’s new lady friend stands by his side. Yay! A light among the darkness. But her name is Clarice. And no one (and I mean no one) can hear that name without thinking of Silence of the Lambs. So the one nice reindeer is ruined due to her creepy name. (It is important to point out that this is not a flaw of the movie, per se. It is just a most unfortunate coincidence.)

Sixth problem. After Rudolph has been ostrasized by everyone including his coach and skinny Santa, he meets a stranger and decides to run away with him. (Which is something I’m pretty sure his mom told him NEVER to do.) Then the two of them meet another stranger, who has a gun strapped to his belt, and decide to hop a ride with him (another thing his mother most likely advised against.) And they all end up spending the night in the same bed in yet another stranger’s house. (Rudolph’s mom would be horrified.)

Seventh. It’s pretty obvious that The Land of the Misfit Toys is really just an island with an insane asylum where things that weren’t perfect had to go live. That is creepy and weird and scary. That part of the movie used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid. An insane asylum. In a holiday movie. Unnecessary.

The Eighth problem…the eighth problem I almost can’t even write without gagging. But I’m going to give it a go. When DonnerĀ  starts to feel bad about what a jerk he was to Rudolph he decides to go out and look for him. Okay, fair enough. But when Rudolph’s mom wants to go too, Donner tells her “no” because it is man’s work. Man’s work! Man’s. Work. Again I would like to point out the difference between 1964 Mrs. Donner and 2015 Mrs. Donner. 1964 Mrs. Donner cried a giant tear. 2015 Mrs. Donner would have kicked Donner’s ass. And then divorced him. Because he is an idiot.

Yes, I know the whole thing wraps up nicely with everyone feeling badly about their atrocious behavior. And, yes, I know Rudy saves Christmas with his shiny red nose. But I sort of wish Rudolph had flipped skinny Santa the bird and told him to take a hike when he asked him to guide his sleigh. Or at least made beg a little.

Even though one of the “messages” of this particular movie is supposed to be that Rudolph had been misjudged (harshly) because he looked different, but now here he is leading the pack of reindeer as the hero who saved Christmas. Truth be told, the message seems to be more like, it’s okay be mean to someone who looks different than you…unless you need them for something, then you should be nice to them. Oh, and it’s okay to run away with strangers.

Its a weird movie.

 

2

Pink Books and Wine

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I have this book I need to tell you about.

It’s funny.

Really funny.

Funny as in “are the back of my pants wet because I just peed myself” kind of funny. It’s called The Science of Parenthood: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations. OMG, I know, right?! And it’s PINK! Which takes it to a whole new level in my mind. It’s written by Norine Dworkin-McDaniel & Jessica Ziegler…and you HAVE to read it. I really must insist.

And because it’s just the kind of gal I am, I will even follow you around town giving you little ideas of how you could squeeze some reading time into your busy day. Like, for example, how you could flip through the book while you are waiting in the pick-up line at school, or how you could pour yourself a glass of wine after a long day and sit in a comfy chair to do a little reading. Nice, right?

Basically I’m planning to be all up in your grill about this amazing pink book…and it’s going to go down something like this:

I love this book!
This book I love
You HAVE to read this book I love!
You could read it while in line,
Or read it while you’re drinking wine. (See what I’m doing here? Dr. Seuss?)
Perhaps when someone takes a nap,
or someone snuggles on your lap.
Could you read while going poo?
Or looking for a missing shoe?
Say!
You could read while drinking tea!
Try it! Try it! You will see!
You could read it in your house,
You could read with your pet mouse.
Hey, maybe while you’re wiping snot?
Or while you’re hiding things you bought?
You could read it lying down,
or read while you adjust your crown. (you know, just in case Princess Kate decides to pick up a copy.)
You could read it here or there,
Say! You could read it anywhere!

At this point you will be compelled to head to the store just to shut me up to pick up a copy of this fabulous book, and you will read it and you will laugh uproariously. Then you will buy copies for all your friends and they too will laugh uproariously. And there will be uproarious laughter throughout the town. The next time you see me in the pick-up line at school you will rush over to my car and tell me how you are forever in my debt for suggesting this book to you. Then you’ll give me a present. And a box of candy. And you will announce to all who will listen:

I do so love pink books and wine!
I do! I love them, friend of mine!
And I will read while I’m in line,
and I will read while drinking wine.
And I will read while my kids nap,
and when they’re sitting on my lap.
And I will read while going poo,
and looking for my missing shoe.
And I will read while drinking tea,
Say! Won’t you come and read with me?
I will read in my own house,
I will read with my pet mouse.
I will read while wiping snot,
And while I’m hiding things I bought.
I will read while lying down,
and fixing up my shiny crown.
I will read it here or there,
Say! I will read it anywhere!
Oh, I do love Science of Parenthood!
This book! This book! It is so good!!

Ta-da!

Here are links so you can check out The Science of Parenthood online.

Science of Parenthood at Amazon

Science of Parenthood at Barnes and Noble

http://scienceofparenthood.com/

Here is an example of the hilarity you are in for:

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You’re welcome.

 


 

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Elf on the F’ing Shelf

So I consider myself a bit of an expert on the Elf on the Shelf. After all, he has been a seasonal part of our family for about 7 years now. Based on my expertise I have a few changes that I think would make the Elf, and the whole Elf experience, a little easier to manage.

First, an example of what I am trying to avoid:

sleeping elves

Two elves (yes, two) snuggled up with Sensei from Club Penguin, being serenaded by a pink monkey Beanie Boo and her side kick the tiger striped rubber ducky.

Things would just be a lot easier if we made the following changes…

There should be a rule that no one in the family can make stuff for the elf. There can be no tie-dye shirts made out of paper that the elf is expected to wear for the remainder of his time here. (See above picture.) No capes that anyone has to try not to rip every time they move the elf from point A to point B. The creating of little elfin accoutrement needs to stop immediately.

There should be a hotline that you can call 24/7 that will give you some reasonable and quick ideas about where to hide the elf so that at midnight when you are wandering around the house trying to come up with a creative way to hide the idiotic thing (while your husband is snoring loudly from the bedroom) you can just call and get a bunch of easy ideas. Note: Yes, I know that Pinterest has a million creative ideas. But I’m not talking about anything fancy like the elf “pooping” out chocolate chips, or making snow angels out of flour. I need basic boring “have you tried hiding him on the branches of the Christmas tree, yet?” And then maybe the operator could tell me that I’m awesome…but that would just be a little extra something special.

There should be a support group for all the elf movers. At the end of the elf-moving season all members of the group should get together and help each other as we transition back into the real world where we are no longer expected to lurk around the house under the cover of night hiding a creepy little toy. And there should be an open bar at each gathering. And taxis to cart all of our asses home.

The part of the story where it says that you can’t touch the elf or he’ll lose his magic should be revised slightly. It should also include a few sentences about how you also can’t leave the elf questionnaires that he is expected to fill out and then leave behind with the answers. The dead of night is not a good time to be trying to write (in disguised handwriting) a good answer as to why Santa isn’t getting them a dog for Christmas.

The elf’s body should be manufactured using a completely different material. The body should be made of that gooey stuff that you whip at the wall and it splats and stays there until you take it off and whip it at something else. Tell me that wouldn’t come in handy as you are trying to get down the stairs before the kids. All you would have to do is grab the elf off of one wall, and then quickly huck it across the room at another wall. And it would just stick there in some weird, but funny, position. It would take, like, three seconds to move the elf. (This is my favorite idea so far.)

Barring the above suggestion, all elves should come with an emergency remote that lets you suspend time. So when your darling little child comes in your room and says that he is going downstairs to find the elf (at 5:00 in the morning) you can just push the suspend time button and leisurely head down the stairs to find the elf a new hiding spot. Important to note that this emergency-suspend-time remote could come in handy in many other situations as well.

Depending on your sense of humor, perhaps the elf’s body could be hollow so you can fill it with with slim jims. Then you could “hide” the poor little sucker next to the dog’s dish. The kids will be sure to always remember the morning when they woke up to find that the family dog ate their little elfin friend, leaving behind only the head. You could even squirt a little ketchup around the head to make it look like blood. I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud…

And lastly, 2016 should mark the end of the elf era. On Christmas Eve all elves should disappear into thin air, never to be seen again. And all children should have their memory erased so it is as if the crazy elf fad never, ever even happened.

Going forward, the Elf on the Shelf madness should be replaced by a new and improved tradition that I like to call, “The Alcohol on the Shelf”. Each night the other adult in your house should have to buy you a bottle of your favorite wine. Then when they are sure that you are fast asleep they will need to pry themselves out from under the toasty warm covers of the bed, and slink through the cold house to hide the bottle of wine somewhere fun and entertaining for you to find each morning. They should also be required to take pictures of the hidden/disguised wine each night to post on Facebook to show all their friends how clever they are. Good idea, right?? I’m confident that it will become a fine tradition in no time…

p.s. Christmas Eve is in 14 days. Help!!!!