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Megan Fox is Pregnant…

Megan Fox.

Megan.

Meggie.

Meggie Fox is so pretty.

She’s funny, too. I loved her in This Is 40. So funny.

So pretty and funny.

And now pregnant with her third baby. Yay, Meg! Pretty, funny, and pregnant. Awesome.

What does my buddy Meg have to say about her current preggers condition? Well, according to People.com she had this little gem to say:

“I’m always in the process of having a baby and looking like I didn’t have a baby.”

Bitch says what?!

Meg, seriously…what the hell did you just say? Here I am loving you, and you go and say something like THAT? Out loud and for the record?! Say it again. Go on. I double dog dare you. Tell me more about how you never look like you’re pregnant or have had a baby. I love hearing stuff like that. Oooh, maybe you have a story to share about how you don’t have any cellulite or stretch marks. Tell me, tell me!

Megan went on to say (same People.com interview) that there is no healthy food on set, so she just doesn’t eat and so she loses weight.

Huh.

THAT is why she says she doesn’t look pregnant? Because there is no healthy food on set? So she just decides not to eat? That’s like me saying I don’t like Milky Ways, and so I’m just not going to eat the mini Milky Ways out of my kids’ Easter baskets. Like, I’m just going to leave them there. It’s crazy talk. If there are mini Milky Ways, I’m eating them. Plain and simple. And if I was on some sort of “set” where there was only non-healthy food choices, well, I’m grabbing a chicken salad sandwich (on a white bulky roll) with a bag of Doritos on the side. Maybe I’m washing it all down with a soda. Perhaps you’d see me grabbing a pudding cup for dessert. It’s called survival. My God, Megan would never make it out in the wilderness (and by “wilderness” I mean my house.) But, fine, if she doesn’t want to gorge herself on fattening food why doesn’t she just pack a lunch to bring with her? Or maybe ask someone to run out and get her a salad. Where is Brian Austin Greene?! Can’t he just bring her a protein shake or something to the set?

What Megan needs is a level-headed group of mom-friend who will tell it to her straight. A group of friends who will tell her to put an apple in her pocket on her way out the door, for God’s sake. Keep a stash of granola bars in her purse for when she gets really hungry. Or better yet, a group of friends who will tell her just to eat the damn donut if that is all there is (and if the apple/granola bar idea is too overwhelming for some reason.)

This group of level-headed mom friends might also want to do Megan a solid and sit her down and have a real “come to Jesus” talk with her about not saying stupid things like, “I never look like I’ve had a baby.” Someone needs to tell her that those are things she should only say to herself. In her own head. In a hushed tone.

I could have been one of these level-headed mom friends to Meg. But not now. Because while she’s all, “I’m always in the process of being pregnant but not looking like it…” I’m over here always in the process of NOT being pregnant, yet looking like I’m in my second trimester. (One big meal and even I look at myself & wonder if there might be a bun in the oven. It’s annoying really, but the alternative would be to diet and exercise…and, I mean, let’s not get all crazy and drastic.)

Luckily for Megan, I don’t hold a grudge. All I need is one good, on-the-record, People.com quote from her along the lines of, “This damn pregnancy has given me stretch marks, a fat ass, and I think I might have a hemorrhoid!” That’s all I need, and I will be on Team Megan once again.

megs body

6

This is Your Brain on Vacation

Last week I told you all about how I was going on a cruise with a few of my fab friends. Well, I’m back. And I’m happy to report that our cruise was AMAZING! It was so great and so fun, and, well…I’m having a hard time really describing what it was like. So I figured, ah hell, why do I always have to be the one to relay the story? Why can’t it be told a different way? Like, why can’t my liver tell you about how much fun we had?

my liver

And so…

My Girls’ 2016 Getaway Cruise: As told from the perspective of my internal organs.

Stomach: Has anyone been up to mission control to see what the hell is going on?

Nerve Stretch Receptor: Um, I just checked in with the Frontal Lobe sir, and, well, there was no one there. Well, I mean there was ONE person there. But she may have been drunk. She slurred something about being on vacation, and how she paid for the Cheers Unlimited Drink Package. Then she threw a shoe at me and told me to go away.

Stomach: Incoming! What the hell… is that a Bloody Mary?! It’s 8:30 in the morning! Someone go wake up Liver, please.  Let him know they are in for a long day. Oh my God, look alive people…she’s eating more bacon. Fat Receptors, stand by…

Liver: We’re backed-up over here. Still trying to deal with last night’s Mint Mohitos. Yes, that was plural. MohitoS. Yes, we KNOW she’s never had a Mint Mohito before, but she’s having them now so you may want to consult the manual on what to do.

Saddle Bags: I have plenty of room down here for more of that Molten Lava Chocolate Cake she keeps shoving her face with. Yessiree, just send it on down. There we go. Just going to really stuff it all in.

Hypothalamus: Yea, can anyone hear us? We are malfunctioning. I say again, we are malfunctioning. We are trying to send the usual signals to stop eating and drinking. We have issued the “Full Stop” demand…but she isn’t heeding our warning. We’ve been in touch with the Occipital Lobe to make sure that they are processing the sheer amount of food that is on her plate. And they are seeing it alright. But somehow the signal isn’t getting through. I repeat: the stop eating and drinking signal is not getting through.

Liver: Where heck did this Margarita just come from?! We’re going to need some assistance dealing with all of this. Alert the kidneys…and someone show the Margarita to reception so we can start processing it.

Stomach: Hey, Hypothalamus, hate to bother you up there, but can you check in with the Occipital Lobe again for the Small Intestines and me? Ask if there are any salad bars in sight? Any vegetables? Perhaps a place to get a seltzer water or an orange juice has been spotted.

Hypothalamus: Stand by, Stomach…

Hypothalamus: uh, yea, I just got word from the Occipital Lobe…there DO appear to be some healthy food choices available, but it’s pretty clear that we are actively avoiding those areas.

Occipital Lobe: All members of the Digestive Team, please be advised… I have a visual on the Chinese Food Buffet. We are heading right for it…

Stomach: Roger that, Occipital Lobe. I need all hands on deck! Start digesting double-time! We have more food coming in.

Small Intestines: Why?! For the love of God, why???

Stomach: Keep it together, man! I don’t know why. Nobody knows. We are operating with a skeleton crew up there in mission control. We are on some kind of vacation auto pilot.

Skin: Mmmmm…I feel greeeeaaaaattttt. So warm and toasty, man. I’m sooooo relaxed. Feeling totally chill, man. Peace and love. We’re all God’s creatures, ya know? World peace.

Blood: Our chemistry department is alerting us that there is a spike in the normal levels of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. We have reached maximum happiness. Maximum relaxation. Maximum contentment.

Auditory Cortex: Be advised, I have been privy to some quiet conversations from the humans lying in the adjacent lounge chairs. It may just be chitchat, but there is talk of doing this again next year. I repeat…there is talk of doing this again next year!

Saddlebags: Yessss!!!

Stomach: Just wait until the Frontal Lobe gets wind of that.

Liver: Can someone schedule me a detox STAT?

THE END

And THAT was how my cruise was. Which is to say, it was freaking perfect!

my stomach