Last week I told you all about how I was going on a cruise with a few of my fab friends. Well, I’m back. And I’m happy to report that our cruise was AMAZING! It was so great and so fun, and, well…I’m having a hard time really describing what it was like. So I figured, ah hell, why do I always have to be the one to relay the story? Why can’t it be told a different way? Like, why can’t my liver tell you about how much fun we had?
My Girls’ 2016 Getaway Cruise: As told from the perspective of my internal organs.
Stomach: Has anyone been up to mission control to see what the hell is going on?
Nerve Stretch Receptor: Um, I just checked in with the Frontal Lobe sir, and, well, there was no one there. Well, I mean there was ONE person there. But she may have been drunk. She slurred something about being on vacation, and how she paid for the Cheers Unlimited Drink Package. Then she threw a shoe at me and told me to go away.
Stomach: Incoming! What the hell… is that a Bloody Mary?! It’s 8:30 in the morning! Someone go wake up Liver, please. Let him know they are in for a long day. Oh my God, look alive people…she’s eating more bacon. Fat Receptors, stand by…
Liver: We’re backed-up over here. Still trying to deal with last night’s Mint Mohitos. Yes, that was plural. MohitoS. Yes, we KNOW she’s never had a Mint Mohito before, but she’s having them now so you may want to consult the manual on what to do.
Saddle Bags: I have plenty of room down here for more of that Molten Lava Chocolate Cake she keeps shoving her face with. Yessiree, just send it on down. There we go. Just going to really stuff it all in.
Hypothalamus: Yea, can anyone hear us? We are malfunctioning. I say again, we are malfunctioning. We are trying to send the usual signals to stop eating and drinking. We have issued the “Full Stop” demand…but she isn’t heeding our warning. We’ve been in touch with the Occipital Lobe to make sure that they are processing the sheer amount of food that is on her plate. And they are seeing it alright. But somehow the signal isn’t getting through. I repeat: the stop eating and drinking signal is not getting through.
Liver: Where heck did this Margarita just come from?! We’re going to need some assistance dealing with all of this. Alert the kidneys…and someone show the Margarita to reception so we can start processing it.
Stomach: Hey, Hypothalamus, hate to bother you up there, but can you check in with the Occipital Lobe again for the Small Intestines and me? Ask if there are any salad bars in sight? Any vegetables? Perhaps a place to get a seltzer water or an orange juice has been spotted.
Hypothalamus: Stand by, Stomach…
Hypothalamus: uh, yea, I just got word from the Occipital Lobe…there DO appear to be some healthy food choices available, but it’s pretty clear that we are actively avoiding those areas.
Occipital Lobe: All members of the Digestive Team, please be advised… I have a visual on the Chinese Food Buffet. We are heading right for it…
Stomach: Roger that, Occipital Lobe. I need all hands on deck! Start digesting double-time! We have more food coming in.
Small Intestines: Why?! For the love of God, why???
Stomach: Keep it together, man! I don’t know why. Nobody knows. We are operating with a skeleton crew up there in mission control. We are on some kind of vacation auto pilot.
Skin: Mmmmm…I feel greeeeaaaaattttt. So warm and toasty, man. I’m sooooo relaxed. Feeling totally chill, man. Peace and love. We’re all God’s creatures, ya know? World peace.
Blood: Our chemistry department is alerting us that there is a spike in the normal levels of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. We have reached maximum happiness. Maximum relaxation. Maximum contentment.
Auditory Cortex: Be advised, I have been privy to some quiet conversations from the humans lying in the adjacent lounge chairs. It may just be chitchat, but there is talk of doing this again next year. I repeat…there is talk of doing this again next year!
Stomach: Just wait until the Frontal Lobe gets wind of that.
Liver: Can someone schedule me a detox STAT?
And THAT was how my cruise was. Which is to say, it was freaking perfect!