Welcome to the 2016 End of the School Year Derby. It’s a beautiful day for a race.
Okay, we have all the horses moving into the starting gate. I’d like to say it is anyone’s race today, but the expected front runner is Mom Who Has Her Shit Together. What a workhorse that one is. She’s been preparing all year for this race. She is looking strong and confident. She has her label maker holstered and her eye on the prize.
Last moving into the starting gate is Gave Up After April Vacation. Poor thing is just taking it day by day at this point. If you look closely you can see that she is actually limping as she gets into position. She has handed over all her money to the various helpers collecting for end-of-year teacher gifts. You’ve gotta hand it to her, it takes a lot of heart for her to be here today.
They’re all ready, just waiting for the signal…
And they’re off in the 2016 End of School Year Derby!
Mom Who Has Her Shit Together is first out of the gate. No surprise there.
She is followed by Volunteers in the Classroom on the far outside. After that we have Working Mom Who Feels Guilty and Stay at Home Mom Who Feels Trapped running neck and neck. Coming around the turn we have Negative Lunch Balance moving up from the inside. Mom Who Has Her Shit Together is still in front by two and a half lengths, but Wears Workout Clothes Even Though She Doesn’t Work Out is closing that gap. And It’s Pizza For Dinner Again is right there fourth to the outside as the pack moves around the turn. Mean Mom is running a solid race, but she is spending an awful lot of her energy throwing judgemental looks at the other racers which will cost her in the end. Well off the pace is Gave Up After April Vacation, but she is not out of the race yet. Folks, if you look closely at the starting gate you will see That’s It, I’m Done just standing there refusing to budge. She does this every year. We don’t even know why she keeps showing up, but she does. Back to the race, the undefeated Shit Together has moved back to third position just in front of Pinterest Fail, and would you look at this, We Missed the Bus Again has taken over the lead position! Homework, What Homework is working her way up the inside as we come down to the final stretch. I Just Spent All My Money On Summer Camps is ahead of Saltines For Breakfast by 5 lengths with Mommy Needs Wine coming up from the outside. And what is this?! Gave Up After April Vacation is moving swiftly through the pack. She has taken the lead. She has taken the lead! It can’t be! She is in front by a neck…can it be possible?! It is! She has done it! She has done it! A spectacular upset. An impossible result. Gave Up After April Vacation has actually done it! This is the biggest upset in the End of the School Year Derby. She is taking her victory lap and flipping everyone the bird.
Gave Up After April Vacation has won the 2016 End of School Year Derby!!
Shit Together is shaking her head in disbelief and Mean Mom is asking to check tape. Mommy Needs Wine is already heading to the bar, and Pinterest Fail appears to be asking Gave Up if she can decoupage her trophy for her. Working Mom and Stay At Home Mom are arguing about whose life is harder. And That’s It, I’m Done is STILL standing at the starting gate.
It’s just another day at the races here at the 2016 End of The School Year Derby. Thank you for joining us.