You are going to be so absolutely thrilled beyond thrilled when I tell you that my kids are going to be teaching summer school.
Yes, that’s right. Teaching summer school.
Why, you ask… Well, I think of it this way (and I’m sure you will agree with me): if you are an expert on something, it is your duty to pass that knowledge and skill set on to others. You need to share your gift with your fellow man…or in this case your fellow kid. Should I be humble about how awesomely talented my own children are with some of this stuff? Sure. But I’m not going to be. They have mad skills. Mad. Skills. I know because I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. And if you have been around my house at all this summer you have surely witnessed it, too.
The summer school course offerings are listed below. All I can say is, you’re welcome.
[Course 1] The Fine Art of Fighting About Nothing I ~ This class offers the student a chance to learn how to fight and argue with their sibling(s) about literally nothing. And everything. For no reason other than just to argue. All day.
[Course 2] The Fine Art of Fighting About Nothing II ~ This class is mostly a brainstorming class. We’ll gather together all casual like they do on TMZ (while we are sipping from our Big Gulps that we talked our mom into getting for us and that we filled with Mountain Dew even though she told us NOT to get Mountain Dew) and we will just shout out things that can be fought about at home. Has anyone in your house practically fought to the death because their sibling accused them of having “Bieber fever” or being a “Belieber”? No? Well, they will after taking this course. Recommendation: completion of Fighting About Nothing I
[Course 3] Stop Hitting Yourself, Stop Hitting Yourself ~ Let’s take those skills of annoying your siblings up a notch. Why sit together and enjoy each other’s company when you can literally annoy them to the point where they are practically crying? And then, with the tips you will learn in this class, just when you have your sibling on the verge of hysterical, homicidal tears you can ever so quietly sing Melissa Manchester’s “Don’t Cry Out Loud”. It’s brilliant. And it is all right here. Yours for the taking. Tip: Best to sign up right away for this one. It is a true gem and sure to fill up fast.
[Course 4] I’m 13 and You’re All Idiots ~ Clearly, this course selection is for the other child. 13 and up. Maybe 12, depending on the attitude of the particular child. Individual evaluations will be conducted before admission to this class. Tip: If you still think your mom is cool, this class is not for you. (Even though your mom probably IS totally cool and everyone knows it.)
[Course 5] Time Management ~ Everyone knows that the key to good time management is knowing what you are doing today. And what you are doing later today. And what you are doing tomorrow. Without this info you have no way of complaining that you never do anything fun. This class is basically a session in refining your skills of being a pest.
[Course 6] How to Eat Everything in the House, and Then Complain That There is No Food ~ Whew! What a mouthful! This class is NOT for the faint of heart. Rest assured that only the family experts on eating all the food in the house will be teaching this course. The children who don’t eat much and who only eat when they are actually hungry will NOT be at the helm of this lesson. Course topics include: taking three granola bars at once (from a box of 6 granola bars) and squirreling them away to be eaten at your own leisure. Which leaves only 3 granola bars left for everyone else to fight over. (This class ties in nicely with the fighting over nothing & how to annoy your siblings classes.)
Ted Talk ~ Philosophy of “Watch Me!”
If you jump off the diving board into the deep end with no goggles and without even holding your nose, and your mom wasn’t watching you, did you really do it? If your dad didn’t watch you build the sand castle from start to finish without even turning his head once, did you really build it? If your fun summer vacation pictures aren’t posted on Facebook, did you really have a fun summer vacation? And if no one comments or clicks the thumbs up button, do you really even exist?
*Assistant teachers are needed for all the above mentioned classes. Something tells me that you may have a kid or two at home who has an expertise in at least ONE of these areas, if not all of them.
Please send all applications to: