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Dear iPhone, I Love You to the Moon & Back

my phone

I love my phone. I do. So when it dropped, smashed, and broke the other night I instantly had a mini anxiety attack. What if I needed to get in touch with someone? What if someone needed to get in touch with me? What was I going to do? How was I going to do it…CALL them from my HOUSE phone? Like I’m an animal? And even if I wanted to I couldn’t because all my phone numbers are on my (broken) phone. I barely even know my sister’s number because I don’t need to know her number because I just need(ed) to tap a button on my (broken) phone and I would be instantly connected. Instantly. Without any thought at all. When I have my phone it does the thinking for me. It’s like my own little brain that I carry around in my hand all day. From morning to night.

Like when it’s time to wake up in the morning…who is there to play a nice little tune to rouse me from my slumber? My phone, that’s who. And it’s so nice to wake up to that. So I roll over, slide off the alarm, and give my phone a little snuggle. Then my day begins. Usually I’ll do a quick check of Facebook before I get out of bed because, really, who knows what could have happened between when I last checked it last night at 11pm and now at 5am. Anything could have happened. And would you look at that…something DID happen! It seems that someone couldn’t sleep so they posted looking for advice on falling asleep and staying asleep. By the looks of all the comments it seems that NO ONE could sleep last night. Interesting. Eh, while I’m just laying here I might as well Google “insomnia”. And “sleep habits”. And “lavender”. And “essential oils”. And “make your own soap using essential oils”. And, OMG, my phone is a portal to all the things.

All of them.

Including the weather. How on earth would I have any idea what to wear for the day if I couldn’t check my phone for the weather for the day. And then for the next day. And then for the week ahead. Am I just supposed to fling my body out the door and test the air? What if it is supposed to be cold but I’m wearing a tank top? What if it is supposed to be hot but I’m wearing a sweatshirt? What then? I can’t have that craziness in my life.

I bring my comrade with me when I go for my run. I snuggle it into a little baby bjorn on my arm and it plays music for me while I bop along. All the music that I love and have downloaded is right there for me. And if my kids hadn’t used up all my data by searching for Squirtle to add to their Pokedexes I could even listen to Pandora while I run. (But I can’t because one more gig of data overage and I’m going to have to remortgage my house.) THAT is how great my phone is. THAT is why I love it so much.

I could even look up recipes on my phone and then search for which stores have the ingredients on sale to make the recipes. I COULD. I don’t…but it’s good to know that were I to decide one day to cook a meal I just have to consult my little buddy and ta da!

My phone is my gateway to Pinterest. Enough said.

I love my phone. And my phone loves me. I don’t leave it home alone. I don’t leave it in a hot car. I treat it kindly. Until I give it to my 5-year-old and she drops it. And then…just…shit.

Luckily I know a guy. He’s fixed my phone about 5 times so far. He’s like an emergency room phone doctor and I trust him with my life. I mean, my phone. Well, it’s basically the same thing. He restores my life to normal.

**If you live in Walpole, here is his info: Yianni (774) 306-1909  (He’s at Jimmy’s Pizza. I’m serious.)

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Summer 2016: A Brief Summary

Pass the gin

With summer almost over and the start of school just around the corner, I thought it would be nice to do a quick reflection and a brief recap of the Summer of 2016.

3 sentences can summarize this summer nicely:

Yay, it’s June and school is finally out, let’s have some fun! What do you mean no electronics during the day, what are we doing today, let’s go to the beach, let’s stay home, I’m starving, hey look…fireworks, it’s too hot, I’m bored, what are we doing today, what are we doing after that, what are we doing tomorrow, there is nothing fun to do, can we go to the pool, there’s no food in this house, he’s annoying me, he won’t play with me, he won’t stop playing with me, those are my flip flops, no they are mine, no they are mine, who ate the last popsicle, what time is Dad coming home, you’re the meanest mom ever, can I have a sleep over, I can’t find my bathing suit, there is no one around, how come everyone else goes away on vacation but us, can we go to the water park, how about now, how about now, how about now, I’m not doing my summer reading, or my summer math, I’m not doing anything, she pushed me, no I didn’t, yes you did, no I didn’t, yes you did, what are we doing today, can we go somewhere fun, why doesn’t the ice cream man come down our street, can you buy me this, can you buy me that, what are we doing today, can you sign me up for summer camp, summer camp stinks why did you sign me up, can you drive me to my friends house, can you pick me up, can I have money for the movies, tell me about the day I was born, want to hear about my dream, what are we doing today, I need 50 band-aids for no reason at all, the beach is boring, the beach is so fun can we stay longer, can we go out to for dinner, can we go out for breakfast, there are new toys in the McDonald’s happy meal can we go there, the car smells weird, can you get me a drink, what are we doing today, what are we doing today, what are we doing today, what are we doing today, what are we doing today. Yay, Candy Corn and Halloween decorations are on display in the stores! {smile, sigh, it’s almost over}

pecked to death

 

0

The Power of an Emoji

So Apple has decided to replace the revolver emoji with a squirt gun emoji when it launches its iOS 10. I, for one, am immensely relieved.

Like, PHEW! You know?

phew.gif

It was only a matter of time before a thorough investigation revealed that the root cause of all the terroristic mass-shootings lately was a 3cm x 2cm picture of a gun. Can you just imagine the horrific downfall of our society if this tiny emoji had been left there? Again, phew! No thank you. No thank you, indeed.

Now that we know the power of the emoji, I think there are a few other emojis in the collection that need a little tweaking.

Like, for instance, the clothing emojis. C’mon. Is that really the best they could do? There are a LOT of people walking around making questionable fashion statements…and I’m pretty sure it has to do with the clothing emoji choices.

Like, what is this?

purple shirt2

Some weird, random, button-up, short-sleeve, purple shirt? That isn’t a cool, stylish shirt choice. No one in Vogue wears a shirt like that. Gisele would never wear a shirt like that. We would all look SO much better if they would just fix that particular emoji.

I also would like to bring into question the cloudy, rainy emoji. There needs to be a full-time emoji staff member who monitors that. If it’s a big important day (like prom or your wedding), or if you have an outdoor event planned, then the rain emoji should be temporarily disabled. Then if there is a drought situation the emoji should be activated again. Common sense people. Common sense.

The snow emoji could also use some strategy. For example, I would really enjoy some snow in December. Preferably a light flurry on Christmas Eve, and then again on Christmas Day. Then perhaps a bit of a heavier snowfall the day after Christmas when we are all hunkered down playing with our new toys. Right now it is all willy nilly and crazy, and it hardly ever snows in December anymore. I’m pretty damn sure that it is because the snow emoji is on there rubbing elbows with the sun emoji (and not at all because of climate change.) It’s the power of the emoji. It can’t be denied.

Oh, and the “angry cat looking to the right” emoji?

angry cat

Whose idea was that anyways? No one needs a mad cat looking at them. It’s unnerving. People would be a lot nicer to each other if the evil feline looking to the right was deleted permanently.

And the boobs emoji?! Don’t even get me started. It is wreaking all kinds of havoc on the world. It has clearly been the cause of all us criminal moms breast feeding our babies in public. You want to talk about evil. You haven’t even seen evil until you’ve looked into the eyes of a mom lovingly feeding her child. *shudder* I’m going to have nightmares. Oh, wait…there’s no boobs emoji? Hmmm, that’s weird. So moms are just feeding their hungry babies? Okay, never mind.

Hey look, it’s the I’m just kidding winky face emoji!!!

winky face.png

There are some emojis that seems redundant. It’s as if there was a “come up with an emoji” contest at the office one day and so people were just throwing crap together so that their team would win the prize (a case of beer?) Like these two emojis:

dizzy-facemurder with teeth

What the hell? What is that, the murder emoji? We don’t need even one murder emoji on there, never mind two. Get rid of those two emojis and watch the crime rate plummet.

While we are on the subject, I see no need for the poo emoji.

But I am thrilled to death that there is a middle finger emoji.

Oh, and they really need to add an “are you fucking kidding me right now?!” emoji face. This is the best one I could find on there:

straight face

And that doesn’t really the convey the message. It conveys more of a “I don’t know whether to laugh or not so I’m just going to keep my face in this frozen straight line” kind of vibe.

I stumbled upon this emoji while I was surfing the web:

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And I’m pretty sure that little yellow face rolling it’s eyes is the only thing that is missing from my life.

If someone at the emoji factory could just make these few changes to start with, I think that would be just swell. They aren’t hard changes, they are actually quite easy. And, like changing the gun emoji, these measly modifications will most likely make a humongous impact on society. How could it not? I mean, c’mon! They’re EMOJIS!!

smiley face

 

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8

Too Old for Selfies??

The other day I took a selfie. Posted that sucker right to Facebook. Just like that. Click, crop, post. Done. I gave it nary a thought. Until I DID give it a thought.  And then I thought: am I too old to be taking selfies? Am I? Oh my God…AM I?

I think I am.

There should be a guide for this kind of thing. But there’s not. Well, at least there WASN’T. Now there is. It’s all right here to help those of us wondering…am I too old to be taking a selfie?

AN “AM I TOO OLD TO BE TAKING SELFIES” QUIZ. Answer “Yes” or “No” to the following questions… then just simply add up the amount of “yes” answers you have and you will find a handy guide to follow.

Here we go:

QUESTION #1 Has it ever, even once, crossed your mind to wonder if you are, in fact, too old to be taking a selfie?

QUESTION #2 Has anyone ever felt compelled to give you a brief tutorial on taking a selfie? Like, has your perky little 20-something niece ever told you that the reason you look crappy in selfies is because you’re doing it wrong, and that you need to tilt the phone AND your head at the same time, while holding the phone UP so that it is looking down at you?

QUESTION #3 Did you ever decide to try the awkward “tilting everything while holding your phone way up over your head” trick, because you thought maybe that really is the key to looking fab in a selfie…but then, once you got into position, the arthritis in your thumb prevented you from actually pushing the button to take the picture?

QUESTION #4 Have you ever tried to make the weird “selfie duck face” only to discover that, WTF, you have smoker’s lines around your mouth!? And you don’t even smoke, for God’s sake!

QUESTION #5 Have you ever taken a horrendous selfie and then panicked a little wondering if your phone could go crazy and for some reason do an auto-post of the offending pic to all your social media accounts? Even though that is impossible. (Right?)

QUESTION #6 Do you wear readers?

QUESTION #7 Do you have more than one pair of readers? Multiple readers stashed around the house? Do you have a pair of readers pushed up on your head that you have been looking for all day?

QUESTION #8 Is the font on your phone extra large so that you can actually see and read the words?

QUESTION #9 Have you ever taken a selfie and then spent a good 10 minutes staring at the picture wondering if that is what you really look like, or if the phone has just added wrinkles and age spots to your face for the fun of it?

QUESTION #10 Do you have a teenager whose “life you are ruining” just by your very existence?

Your Score:

If you scored 0 “yesses” you are in your 20’s. You look super cute in selfies. You should keep taking them so that one day, when you are saddled with a million children and you haven’t had a solid night’s sleep in 13 years you can hanker back to the days when seeing yourself in a picture was super fun and not a thing that made you shudder.

If you scored between 1-4 “yesses” you may want to re-evale your selfie-taking habit. Maybe just bring it down a notch. Or two. Do you really need to clog up all the storage on your phone with your selfies and your selfie outtakes? Just maybe limit the selfies to once a week or so. Maybe just for special occasions?

If you scored between 5-9 “yesses” you need to step away from the selfie stick! That’s right. Nice and slow. Not too fast. You don’t want to break a hip. Easy does it. How about I get you a nice cup of tea? Would you like me to rub your bunions for you? Maybe we should just sit quietly together under an afghan and you can tell me about the good old days while we wait for the 4pm early bird special at the local diner. There there, dear.

If you scored 10 “yesses” you are in for a real treat. You may, indeed, be too old for selfies…but you are also just old enough not to give a flying fig what people think. With age comes wisdom, right? So go on and grab your phone with your age spotted hand and go to town. Have at it. Lift the phone, tilt it just so, tilt your head just as you have practiced so many times before, and take the damn selfie. You look freaking gorgeous.

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