2

If my appliances could talk

I was at my friend’s house the other day having coffee, when suddenly a beautiful twinkly tinkly lovely chime filled the air. What was THAT?

She said it was the chime from her clothes dryer letting her know it was done.

Really? Because it sounded more like her fairy godmother had arrived to grant her a wish or something.

MY clothes dryer just gives a series of rude beeps to let me know it’s done. Kind of like the equivalent of a rude person in a restaurant snapping his fingers to get the waitstaff’s attention. Like, “Hey! Hey, you! Lady! I’m done.”

It’s so rude!

No wonder I don’t like doing the laundry.

Or the dishes.

Or the cooking.

Or the cleaning.

If my appliances could be a little more pleasant, perhaps I would be a little more willing to be domestic. I think that appliances should be programmed to talk and say nice encouraging things to you. All the crappy household jobs would just be so much more agreeable. Like for instance, the dishwasher…

Dishwasher: “Why are you pre-washing every dish before you put it in here? C’mon baby, you know I like it a little dirty. Just load me up. That’s right. Just like that. Yes! Oh my GOD, you’re SO good at this.”

Am I right? Wouldn’t doing the dishes be WAY more enjoyable with some positive feedback?!

EVERYTHING would be more enjoyable.

Washing Machine: “Well look at you, you crazy little rebel! Mixing lights with darks. You go, girl. Is that a towel that you just put in with that load of sheets. Sakes alive! How I got so lucky as to be YOUR washing machine I will never know. By the way, I like how you decided to go with the store brand laundry detergent. We both know that with the name brand you are just paying for the label. Up high! Down low! In the middle…too slow! Whew! I love you!”

Dryer: “The 15-minute ‘touch up’ button is a valid choice. No judgement. I’m here for YOU, and I will go through as many ‘touch up’ cycles as you need. You just need to buy yourself an extra 15 minutes before you can face taking the clothes out of the dryer and dumping them into a pile on the bed with the intention of folding them all later. I get it. I. Get. It. We both know that you will be whipping that pile into a random basket come bedtime. We both know you already have 25 similarly filled baskets all over your room. Whatever. By the way, you look pretty today.”

Oven: “Bonjour, my culinary genius. I don’t know what is in that pan, but I am quite certain it is a work of art. Will your children eat it? Nah. Will your husband need a glass of water to go with it because it is so dry it has turned to dust in his mouth? Yup. Neither of these things should stop you from Pinterest-ing new and interesting recipes and trying them out. You are unappreciated. You are. I can see that. Let’s drink some wine. I, of course, have no mouth so if you wouldn’t mind drinking mine for me that would be just fantastic.”

Microwave: “I love heating up your coffee for you. Every 5 minutes. Does your family realize how hard you work? Let me be the first to say, ‘Job well done, my friend. Job. Well. Done.’ You’re amazing.”

Treadmill: “Have you lost weight? You look fantastic! You are seriously rocking those yoga pants. Are you at your pre-baby weight already? Hop on, sistah! Keep up the good work! Only dogs like bones. Baby got back!”

Toaster:  “Frozen waffles qualify as a homemade breakfast. You’re rocking this parenting thing. L’Eggo my Eggo, am I right? What is that? You think you burned the toast? You see burnt toast, I see well-done bread. Some people like well-done bread. Sure you’re children don’t, but they are uncultured hooligans with no taste. It’s them not, you.”

Hair dryer: “Why? You look SO good when your hair is dried naturally… why do you want to even waste your time with me? I am not worthy. You’re glamorous. You’re beautiful. And, styled the right way, you can barely even see your gray roots.”

And finally, the mirror. Yes, I know a mirror isn’t an appliance…but would it really hurt it to get in on the action a little?

Mirror: “My reflectors are warped. You are really much taller and thinner than how you appear in your reflection. And you have less wrinkles. And smaller pores. And you have awesome hair.”

GE needs to get with the program and get on board with this. It’s a real domestic game-changer.

 

 

5

Stand the hell up, Kaepernick.

The fact that you have freedom to kneel during the national anthem is the very reason why you should be standing.

Do you have any concept of the number of men and women who have gone to war to defend that right? Do you realize that we currently have an all volunteer armed forces in America? That these men and women VOLUNTEERED to leave their loved ones behind so that they can go fight every day so that YOU can kneel during our national anthem? Think about that for a second. These people don’t know you, they’ve never met you. You, personally, are completely meaningless. But you are an American. And so they will fight to their death if they have to, so that you can live a life where you are free. Where you have rights. Where you can pursue your dreams.

And then, when they play the national anthem, and you take a knee.

A freaking knee.

Unbelievable.

I get that you think you are refusing to show pride in a country that “oppresses black people and people of color.” But that isn’t the only message that you are sending. You are sending a message of disrespect.

You really want things to change? You really want to make a difference? Go out into the community that you are concerned about. Work with them. Work with the youth. Donate some money for youth programs in these areas. Commit to helping to change their future. Not a fake, one-time commitment, but a  real commitment. A long term commitment that continues even after the cameras have been shut off and you aren’t front page news any more. Work with the police and help to bridge the gap in these communities. Education and reform, on both sides of this issue, is what will bring about the change.

When you kneel during the National Anthem you are showing a huge disrespect for our country. You are spitting in the face of the people who keep you safe. When people see you kneeling they don’t automatically think, “Well, would you look at that big-haired fellow kneeling. I wonder what he is protesting.” No, they automatically think, “Look at that asshole kneeling during our National Anthem. What a dick.” See? You bring out the ugly in people when you do that kind of thing. The mean. The hate. Isn’t that the exact opposite of what your “message” is supposed to be?

I have no problem with a gesture or symbol to bring light to the issue of racial inequality.  There is no “hush, hush, just don’t talk about it and it will go away” coming from over here. But it just seems that it makes more sense to do it in such a way that you don’t simultaneously offend such a huge amount of people that your message gets lost. Do it in a classy, purposeful way like some of the other NFL players that we have seen. Raise your fist. Link arms. Hold hands with your teammates in solidarity. You will be heard.

But for the love of God, man, stand the hell up and show some respect for your country. So your country can have some respect for YOU.

 

 

4

I’m Drafting My Own Fantasy Dream Team

There is a lot of Fantasy Football talk going on around my house right now. There was, apparently, a big draft the other night and you got to pick players to be part of your “Fantasy Team”.

I want to do that.

But not with football. I want to make up a Fantasy Friend Team. My dream team of friends. I want to draft a bunch of women who I think would make one big, kick ass team. Then I want to all move into a house together and drink wine and laugh all the time. And I want to live out all my days there surrounded by pure awesomeness.

Here are my picks:

alice

Alice is my first draft pick right off the bat. I didn’t even have to think about it. I’ve always wanted Alice on my team. She’s tidy, she does the shopping and various other crappy errands, and she is always there with a listening ear. Plus, she has a sister who looks exactly like her who runs impromptu boot camps in the morning when she comes to visit.

 

claire

Claire Huxtable. Another no-brainer. With Claire on my team I would never again fall into the rut of doing everything myself because it was easier than trying to get the kids to do it. No sir. Claire would just fix them with one of her looks, and then say something along the lines of, “Now I KNOW you do not expect your mother to bring YOUR dirty dishes to the sink. That woman carried you in her WOMB for nine months. Nine LONG months with no wine. She brought you home from the hospital, fed you, bathed you, walked the floor with you all night long some nights. All night. And just look at her shoes. Go on now, look. She hasn’t bought new shoes in forever because she buys YOU new shoes. That’s right. And THIS is how you repay her. By leaving your dirty, no-good, slobbered-all-over dishes on the table for HER to put in the sink. Uh uh. Now you go and clear that whole table, then apologize to your mother, and head on up to your room, young lady. I can’t even look at you right now.”

 

ina.jpg

Ina Garten. The Barefoot Contessa. Ina is a key draft pick and a huge part of the team’s success. Mostly because I hate to cook, but I love to eat. And I will literally eat anything that Ina makes. (Unless it involves something really gross.) Plus, maybe Jeffery would come visit sometimes, and he seems like good people.

 

jillian

Jillian Michaels. With Jillian around I would be fully motivated at all times. And even if I fell of the wagon and started scarfing down handfuls of candy corn, I know she would step in, whack those little candy treasures out of my hand, and make me put on a bikini and stand in front of a full length mirror until I cried hot tears of shame.

 

amy-schumer

Next draft pick: Amy Schumer. Amy brings gross humor to our squad. That’s why I picked her. Because gross humor has an important part in everyone’s life.

 

1405190_ca_0407_ellen_degeneres_1_BRV.jpg

Ellen Degeneres. Ellen is just such a freaking riot that I have to pick her. How could I not? I love her. I feel like we would really get along, and like she would laugh at my jokes and stuff and tell me how funny I am. However, I am reserving the right to cut her from the team if she doesn’t laugh and doesn’t think I’m funny, because I don’t need that shit in my life. (Note: I wanted to pick Jimmy Fallon for the team, but I’m doing an all-girls team. So I couldn’t. But if I did, the first thing we would do is a lip sync competition.)

 

beverly-goldberg

Beverly Goldberg. The hair, the shoulder pads, the f-bombs. Everything about Bev makes her the perfect draft pick. If something needs to get done, or a policy needs to be changed, Beverly Goldberg is the one to get the job done. OMG, and remember the time that she told Adam to pull a Milli Vanilli during the school musical (“We’re going to Milli Vanilli the *&$% out of this musical!”) She’s the greatest. Plus, she does jazzercise so she and Jillian would get along.

 

katie-holmes.jpg

Next draft pick, Katie Holmes. Love her. She is so classy and she is SUCH a great secret keeper. I just read that she has to wait five years after her divorce is final before she can open up about all the freaky weird shit that went on in her marriage to Tom Cruise. Five years of just sort of smiling pleasantly while the whole time in her head she is like, “You guys are just going to DIE when you hear this.” That takes some serious inner strength.

 

meryl

Another class act that I want on my team is Meryl Streep. She is the best, but I mostly love her so much because she is aging gracefully. Even if she has had a few nips and tucks here and there, it is all so subtle and natural. Her plastic surgeon should win some sort of award. Oooh, and if her doc is a female I’m going to draft her, too! Free nips and tucks for everyone!

 

And finally, last but not least, I’m going to round out my Fantasy Friend Team by drafting my fave funny lady of ALL TIME…let’s give it up for KRISTEN WIIG!! She and I are going to be best friends, I just know it!

My Fantasy Friend Dream Team is totally going to kick YOUR Fantasy Friend Dream Team’s butt!! Best. Team. Ever.

Save

Save

Save

2

That Was a Fast Summer!

summer2

You see that? See how fast that is happening? That was summer 2016.

Here, let’s zoom out a little so you can really get an idea of how fast it flew by…

summer1

All those antelope are like regular months. The cheetah is like summer leaving all the other months in the dust. Fast, right? Makes me all like:

wow.gif

It feels crazy that it DID seem to go by that fast because there were SO many days that felt like this:

slowturtle

And I was all…

impatient judge judy

Our summer break started out fab, with tons of this going on:

sleep.gif

And even the car rides to the beach weren’t so bad at first:

fun ride tothe beach.gif

But then very shortly this:

in car

and this:

arguing-car.gif

and I was like:

65402-zoolander-crazy-pills-gif-6laR.gif

Then, before 4th of July even rolled around

I'M Bored Entertain Me.jpeg

So I tried.

But no matter what I did there was still so much of this:

bored 1.gif

So I signed them up for camp for a week and they were like:

you cant be serious.gif

And I was like, oh hell yes I’m serious. And don’t call me Shirley.

As the summer wore on there was more of this:

want.gif

and this:

how-dare-you-wear-it_1471357729.gif

And so much of this:

look what I can do.gif

That I was like:

normal

But I guess it is pretty hard.

And no matter how many times I did this:

cleaning.gif

The house always looked like this:

JK6160-001

Until, finally, I was like this:

don't give a fuck.gif

And just as I was about to descend into a messy combination of this:

large glass of wine.gif

and this:

i can't take it.gif

we got the email with the teacher assignments and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

excited

I remained super psyched until I saw the list of school supplies that I needed to purchase, and then I was all:

bullshit

But, since it is what it is, we all loaded into the car and went to the store to buy notebooks, pens, and highlighters…until finally:

bank account has zero

Which should have made me feel like this:crying

But since it meant that we were one step closer to the kids going back to school I felt more like this:

giddy

And even though summer 2016 went by in the blink of an eye, I’m pretty sure there was more than one person walking their kids to the bus stop on the first day of school like this:

walking to bus stop.gif

and I KNOW a few of you were celebrating afterwards like this:

celebratingh.gif

Bring on the new school year!!