There is a lot of Fantasy Football talk going on around my house right now. There was, apparently, a big draft the other night and you got to pick players to be part of your “Fantasy Team”.
I want to do that.
But not with football. I want to make up a Fantasy Friend Team. My dream team of friends. I want to draft a bunch of women who I think would make one big, kick ass team. Then I want to all move into a house together and drink wine and laugh all the time. And I want to live out all my days there surrounded by pure awesomeness.
Here are my picks:
Alice is my first draft pick right off the bat. I didn’t even have to think about it. I’ve always wanted Alice on my team. She’s tidy, she does the shopping and various other crappy errands, and she is always there with a listening ear. Plus, she has a sister who looks exactly like her who runs impromptu boot camps in the morning when she comes to visit.
Claire Huxtable. Another no-brainer. With Claire on my team I would never again fall into the rut of doing everything myself because it was easier than trying to get the kids to do it. No sir. Claire would just fix them with one of her looks, and then say something along the lines of, “Now I KNOW you do not expect your mother to bring YOUR dirty dishes to the sink. That woman carried you in her WOMB for nine months. Nine LONG months with no wine. She brought you home from the hospital, fed you, bathed you, walked the floor with you all night long some nights. All night. And just look at her shoes. Go on now, look. She hasn’t bought new shoes in forever because she buys YOU new shoes. That’s right. And THIS is how you repay her. By leaving your dirty, no-good, slobbered-all-over dishes on the table for HER to put in the sink. Uh uh. Now you go and clear that whole table, then apologize to your mother, and head on up to your room, young lady. I can’t even look at you right now.”
Ina Garten. The Barefoot Contessa. Ina is a key draft pick and a huge part of the team’s success. Mostly because I hate to cook, but I love to eat. And I will literally eat anything that Ina makes. (Unless it involves something really gross.) Plus, maybe Jeffery would come visit sometimes, and he seems like good people.
Jillian Michaels. With Jillian around I would be fully motivated at all times. And even if I fell of the wagon and started scarfing down handfuls of candy corn, I know she would step in, whack those little candy treasures out of my hand, and make me put on a bikini and stand in front of a full length mirror until I cried hot tears of shame.
Next draft pick: Amy Schumer. Amy brings gross humor to our squad. That’s why I picked her. Because gross humor has an important part in everyone’s life.
Ellen Degeneres. Ellen is just such a freaking riot that I have to pick her. How could I not? I love her. I feel like we would really get along, and like she would laugh at my jokes and stuff and tell me how funny I am. However, I am reserving the right to cut her from the team if she doesn’t laugh and doesn’t think I’m funny, because I don’t need that shit in my life. (Note: I wanted to pick Jimmy Fallon for the team, but I’m doing an all-girls team. So I couldn’t. But if I did, the first thing we would do is a lip sync competition.)
Beverly Goldberg. The hair, the shoulder pads, the f-bombs. Everything about Bev makes her the perfect draft pick. If something needs to get done, or a policy needs to be changed, Beverly Goldberg is the one to get the job done. OMG, and remember the time that she told Adam to pull a Milli Vanilli during the school musical (“We’re going to Milli Vanilli the *&$% out of this musical!”) She’s the greatest. Plus, she does jazzercise so she and Jillian would get along.
Next draft pick, Katie Holmes. Love her. She is so classy and she is SUCH a great secret keeper. I just read that she has to wait five years after her divorce is final before she can open up about all the freaky weird shit that went on in her marriage to Tom Cruise. Five years of just sort of smiling pleasantly while the whole time in her head she is like, “You guys are just going to DIE when you hear this.” That takes some serious inner strength.
Another class act that I want on my team is Meryl Streep. She is the best, but I mostly love her so much because she is aging gracefully. Even if she has had a few nips and tucks here and there, it is all so subtle and natural. Her plastic surgeon should win some sort of award. Oooh, and if her doc is a female I’m going to draft her, too! Free nips and tucks for everyone!
And finally, last but not least, I’m going to round out my Fantasy Friend Team by drafting my fave funny lady of ALL TIME…let’s give it up for KRISTEN WIIG!! She and I are going to be best friends, I just know it!
My Fantasy Friend Dream Team is totally going to kick YOUR Fantasy Friend Dream Team’s butt!! Best. Team. Ever.