If my appliances could talk

I was at my friend’s house the other day having coffee, when suddenly a beautiful twinkly tinkly lovely chime filled the air. What was THAT?

She said it was the chime from her clothes dryer letting her know it was done.

Really? Because it sounded more like her fairy godmother had arrived to grant her a wish or something.

MY clothes dryer just gives a series of rude beeps to let me know it’s done. Kind of like the equivalent of a rude person in a restaurant snapping his fingers to get the waitstaff’s attention. Like, “Hey! Hey, you! Lady! I’m done.”

It’s so rude!

No wonder I don’t like doing the laundry.

Or the dishes.

Or the cooking.

Or the cleaning.

If my appliances could be a little more pleasant, perhaps I would be a little more willing to be domestic. I think that appliances should be programmed to talk and say nice encouraging things to you. All the crappy household jobs would just be so much more agreeable. Like for instance, the dishwasher…

Dishwasher: “Why are you pre-washing every dish before you put it in here? C’mon baby, you know I like it a little dirty. Just load me up. That’s right. Just like that. Yes! Oh my GOD, you’re SO good at this.”

Am I right? Wouldn’t doing the dishes be WAY more enjoyable with some positive feedback?!

EVERYTHING would be more enjoyable.

Washing Machine: “Well look at you, you crazy little rebel! Mixing lights with darks. You go, girl. Is that a towel that you just put in with that load of sheets. Sakes alive! How I got so lucky as to be YOUR washing machine I will never know. By the way, I like how you decided to go with the store brand laundry detergent. We both know that with the name brand you are just paying for the label. Up high! Down low! In the middle…too slow! Whew! I love you!”

Dryer: “The 15-minute ‘touch up’ button is a valid choice. No judgement. I’m here for YOU, and I will go through as many ‘touch up’ cycles as you need. You just need to buy yourself an extra 15 minutes before you can face taking the clothes out of the dryer and dumping them into a pile on the bed with the intention of folding them all later. I get it. I. Get. It. We both know that you will be whipping that pile into a random basket come bedtime. We both know you already have 25 similarly filled baskets all over your room. Whatever. By the way, you look pretty today.”

Oven: “Bonjour, my culinary genius. I don’t know what is in that pan, but I am quite certain it is a work of art. Will your children eat it? Nah. Will your husband need a glass of water to go with it because it is so dry it has turned to dust in his mouth? Yup. Neither of these things should stop you from Pinterest-ing new and interesting recipes and trying them out. You are unappreciated. You are. I can see that. Let’s drink some wine. I, of course, have no mouth so if you wouldn’t mind drinking mine for me that would be just fantastic.”

Microwave: “I love heating up your coffee for you. Every 5 minutes. Does your family realize how hard you work? Let me be the first to say, ‘Job well done, my friend. Job. Well. Done.’ You’re amazing.”

Treadmill: “Have you lost weight? You look fantastic! You are seriously rocking those yoga pants. Are you at your pre-baby weight already? Hop on, sistah! Keep up the good work! Only dogs like bones. Baby got back!”

Toaster:  “Frozen waffles qualify as a homemade breakfast. You’re rocking this parenting thing. L’Eggo my Eggo, am I right? What is that? You think you burned the toast? You see burnt toast, I see well-done bread. Some people like well-done bread. Sure you’re children don’t, but they are uncultured hooligans with no taste. It’s them not, you.”

Hair dryer: “Why? You look SO good when your hair is dried naturally… why do you want to even waste your time with me? I am not worthy. You’re glamorous. You’re beautiful. And, styled the right way, you can barely even see your gray roots.”

And finally, the mirror. Yes, I know a mirror isn’t an appliance…but would it really hurt it to get in on the action a little?

Mirror: “My reflectors are warped. You are really much taller and thinner than how you appear in your reflection. And you have less wrinkles. And smaller pores. And you have awesome hair.”

GE needs to get with the program and get on board with this. It’s a real domestic game-changer.



2 thoughts on “If my appliances could talk

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