So here we are again. Roughly T-minus 2 weeks away from the month-long elf relocation program. We have two elves, which does make it weirdly easier to find fun things for them to get caught doing each morning. I’ve been hard at work Pinterest-ing ideas for the nightly resettlement. I’ve seen a few good ideas. But…I’m looking for something more. I’m looking for something to end the madness once and for all.
I decided to come up with a few of my own ideas. Here are my top 5. Feel free to steal any of them to use in your own home.
1. We could get a puppy. (Stay with me here, I swear this will make sense in a minute…) So we could get a puppy, then we could rip the heads off the elves and lay their headless lifeless bodies just so, right next to the new puppy. Good, right? It would appear that the new (super cute) dog had torn the heads off the elves. Sure, there might be therapy involved as they try to come to terms with the violent end that their elf friends met, but, you know, there is a cute puppy to distract them. It would almost be like a therapy dog. That would take care of having to move the elves to a new secret location every night because, well, they’d be dead. But that leaves me a puppy to deal with for the next 10 years… I’m still trying to work out the kinks of this solution.
2. I could stage an elf murder-suicide. I would set the whole scene to be super realistic. There would be fake blood, and exposed innards, and a little tiny weapon. I could pen a fake note like it was from one of the elves explaining that there had been some sort of love triangle with one of Santa’s female reindeer. A jilted lover took matters into his own hands. Tragic. Perhaps I could have some sad music playing in the background so that when the kids woke up in the morning and began their excited search for the elves they would really get the full experience as they stumbled across the bloody scene. Again, therapy would be involved…but they would DEFINITELY be way too freaked out to ever want elves in the house again.
3. I could draw “mean eyebrows” on one of the elves. For the first few days the kids would be like, “Jerry the elf looks angry.” And I would be like, “You’re right. He looks scary almost.” Then, I would determine which one of the kids was the biggest chicken and was the most leery of the scary, mean-eyebrowed elf. I would amp up the terror by telling the chosen child that Jerry the mean elf appeared to be staring at only her. And then, under the cover of darkness one night, I would ever so stealthily place that scary elf on the pillow of the chicken-child. In the morning that child would wake up face-to-face with the scary elf. Major freak out! All elves would be banished from the home and the whole place would be sprinkled with holy water. Done. (Okay, rereading that it does sound a little mean. So I’m going to use it as a last resort…but I’m still keeping it on the list of options because I think it will do the trick.)
4. Super glue. I could just super glue them to the wall. Or the counter. Or I could buy two tiny little chairs and I could just super glue the crap out of them so that they were stuck to the chairs forever. My kids know the “dangers” of super glue (from past experiences of, “hey mom, what is this?” “Oh my GOD! That is super glue! Don’t touch it! You’ll glue your fingers together and we’ll never get them apart! We’ll have to go to the hospital! Super glue is forever! It is a horrible, yet wonderful substance!”) It would have to look like the elves foolishly got into the super glue and glued themselves to the wall or whatever. Instead of moving the elves for a month we could just have a month of looking at the elves in pity every morning and reminding each other of the extreme adhesion ability of super glue.
5. And last, but not least, I could just write fake notes from the elves to each child explaining that their rooms are too messy, their homework is not done, and they haven’t been listening to their mother enough to warrant a month’s worth of nightly shenanigans. Therefore, until they get their act together and stop acting like animals there will be no further visits from the elves. Or Santa. Or the Easter Bunny. This wouldn’t be a long term solution, of course. But I’m pretty sure that once the crying and outrage ended, for one month I would have the most well-behaved kids with the neatest rooms on the face of the planet.
So these are just my top 5 ideas. I’m feeling pretty good with my options as I reread them. Please let me know if you have any equally fab ideas to share. I am, clearly, open to anything.