Your Lunch is Better Than My Lunch

jimmy fallon

School lunches are threatening to bankrupt me. Seriously, oh my god. The amount of money I spend getting these kids fed is pathetic. I shudder to tell you that I practically had to take out a second mortgage on my house just to get the kids’ school lunch accounts out of the red after the 2014-2015 school year (which was clearly a year of overindulgence in the cafeteria for the Butters children.) Now this year comes, and we started off good enough with me making them their healthy lunches each day. But that quickly segued into those very same healthy lunches arriving back home practically untouched. Hello?! A Boar’s Head turkey sandwich with mayo on yummy thick bread is nothing to be returning back to me in the afternoon. I’d kill to have someone make me a sandwich with a few cut up cucumbers on the side…perhaps a homemade chocolate chip cookie snuggled into the lunch bag as well. Who would turn their nose up at such scrumptiousness? My kids, that’s who. But why? Why would they rather buy school lunch? Mystery meat on a hard bun with a side of cold greasy fries….? THAT is better than what I’m packing? Surely that is not so. Surely that can’t be right. Surely I’m missing something.

Oh, I was missing something alright.

Today’s school lunches are nothing like school lunches in the days of yore. And when I say “nothing” I quite literally mean NOTHING. Not a thing.

The school lunch menu in Walpole is amazing. Better than amazing. Dare I say “spectacular.” Oh yes, I do dare say it because I just did. I would love to dip my hungry little toes into that vast pool of delicious choices. Let me give you a few examples of why my children would rather eat school lunch:

Today’s lunch. Today’s lunch was breakfast for lunch. Breakfast for lunch! That is fantastic! Pancakes, syrup, homefries, and sausages. Who doesn’t love breakfast for lunch? It is universally loved by all. Every single person loves breakfast for lunch…except for the people who don’t. But there aren’t many of those haters around I don’t think.

Yesterday’s lunch was “build your own deli sandwich” day. With Boar’s Head deli meat. Yea, that’s right. The good stuff. With a side of Cape Cod potato chips. (Like, what?! Is that for real? Sign me up. I want in on that party!)

On Fridays they offer Papa John’s Pizza. Not the rectangular pizza that we got on Fridays when we were kids. Papa John’s. I think it is actually even triangle-shaped.

And it isn’t just the main meals that are scrumpts. Nope. In addition to the mouth-watering daily offerings there are also other choices that the kids can pick from if they want. I’m talking things like fruit and yogurt smoothies (smoothies!), bagel lunch, cereal and yogurt lunch.

If you weren’t already sold on this solid menu (or basically if you are dead inside), the description of some of the side items should absolutely seal the deal for you. Here we go:

Steamed Broccoli ~ The flavor of broccoli blends perfectly with our special seasonings to create a zesty, crunchy snack the kids go bonkers for! (That is verbatim. I literally copied and pasted it from the Official Lunch Menu website. That’s legal to do right?)

WG Dinner Roll ~ Its fluffy goodness is sure to have the kids who packed a lunch looking all puppy-dog eyed at your kids, just begging for a bite. (Again, possibly illegally, copied and pasted.)

String Cheese Stick ~ It’s more than an outlet for kids who want to play with their food — it’s a nutritious, tasty snack! (More than an outlet for kids who want to play with their food! That is genius!)

Tossed Salad ~ When was the last time you saw a room full of kids energetically munching down salads? Just visit one of our lunchrooms when this item is served. You’ll be in for a treat!

And on, and on, and on…

I can’t tell if I want to eat the food or become BFF’s with the person who wrote the descriptions. I think I’m going to go with the BFF choice. That way he or she could come over my house all the time and when one of the kids asked me a question like “What are we doing after school?” my new master-of-descriptions best friend could write down what I should answer: “After school you can delight your taste buds with whatever-the-hell you can find in the snack drawer. You’re sure in for a spine-tingling treat as you settle down to unwind with a bit of Sponge Bob. This will be followed by an uproarious screaming match as everyone tries to get out of doing homework.” And it will sound SO good, and SO much better than anything I could ever think to say to them. (Which would be something along the lines of, “Stop asking me that same question every single day.”)

So I get it. I get why my kids want to buy lunch every day. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to be a part of that menu? It is pure magnificent goodness. That just so happens to be bankrupting me. But whatever. I’m going to ask my new BFF to put a nice spin on that, too.

By the way, I’m putting a link to the Official Lunch Menu so you can see for yourself how amazing it is.

School Lunch Menu

You. Are. Welcome.