The Disorder Du Jour

nervous woman


Hold on.

What was that commercial that I just heard on the radio? No, seriously, WHAT the heck was it that I heard Monica Seles talking about? Binge-Eating Disorder? Not purging, but just eating…binge eating. At least one time in the past week where you have eaten more than you needed. Eaten when you weren’t hungry. Eaten too much and then felt bad afterwards.

THAT is a disorder??

And you only need to do it ONE time a week (for at least 3 weeks in a row) to be diagnosed with it? Plus you don’t even need to be overweight? I don’t get it. Is eating raw cookie dough until I think I might puke NOT normal? Is eating the leftover frosting on my daughter’s plate because she only likes the cake part somehow not standard behavior? Surely I’m not the only one who orders dessert at a restaurant even though I am full up to the gills from the bread, appetizer, salad, and full meal that I just ate.

I literally don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t have this disorder.

I hate to be there bearer of bad news, but have you been to Disney World lately? I’m pretty sure that 90% of the people there are eating past being full.

Suddenly everything is a disorder now-a-days. Okay, fine. I’ll jump on that band-wagon. Here we go:

Here are 7 disorders that need some media attention.

Double Dog Dare You Disorder ~ Now here’s a disorder that could use some serious government-funded research. And don’t be looking at me like you have no idea what I’m talking about. Does this ring a bell: You’re driving around with your car’s fuel gauge on E…and as a gas station comes into sight you think to yourself, I bet I can make it to the next gas station. You’ve just been double dog dared. Or when you want to move the huge bunk bed from one room to the other with 5 children milling about, and your husband says that it will be impossible for you to do yourself. Challenge accepted. Illness confirmed.

Where Is That Thing That I Have Been Tripping Over For a Week, and Now That I Actually Need It I Can’t Find It Disorder ~ Oooh, this is a goody. I suffer mightily from this disease. (Although you would never know it because I put on a brave face and keep my chin up.) I’m going to investigate some genetic testing for this because my poor son seems to have this disorder as well. I know because the other day he was looking for his headphones that he claims were last seen on the floor of the bathroom. (Why were they on the floor of the bathroom, you ask? Who knows.) He swears he stepped over them every day for the past 7 days. Now he needs them and they are gone. Poof! into thin air. Worth noting: When you are in the diagnostic phase of this disorder, if your bloodwork shows any sign of “a place for everything, and everything in its place” then you can rest assured that you do NOT have this particular illness. You might have something else. You might have the next disorder…

I’m Just Going To Put This In a Safe Place Disorder ~ This is sort of an off shoot of the above illness. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction to the realization that you have a confirmed case of Where Is That Thing That I Have Been Tripping Over. You immediately start putting things away in safe (but not always obvious) places. Things are away. They are not lying about. They are exactly where they kinda, sorta, not really, but good enough belong. Basically never to be seen again.

The Comfort of My Bed Has Just Increased By a Million Percent Because it is Time To Get Up Disorder ~ If your alarm goes off and suddenly you are paralyzed with a coziness previously undiscovered, you may be suffering from this disorder. You need a support group STAT as this disorder can take on a life of its own. You may actually decide one day that you are not, in fact, getting up at all. You will become one with the bed. Then next thing you know they are having to use the jaws of life to get you out, and a fork lift to bring you to the hospital. And then everyone in your house will get in trouble because they have been letting you just lay about all day while they brought you pepperoni pizzas and 2-liter bottles of Coke. The implications of this disorder are far-reaching and need to be stopped at once.

I Can’t Stop Talking (and talking and talking) Disorder ~ This disorder is near and dear to my heart because my 5-year-old daughter is afflicted by it. Big time. She talks constantly. Like, all the time. Even when I finally get her to realize that she needs to take a break from talking she will talk about how she is not going to talk. And about how quiet she is being. And about how this is the longest she’s ever gone without talking. While I’m just like, “yea, um, you’re actually STILL talking.” Which surprises her. And that surprises ME, because how can she not even know that she is talking about not talking? Do you know someone with this disorder? If you want to join me, I’m thinking about launching a major fundraiser to help find a cure. I need the incessant talking to stop.

I Have So Much To Do, Therefore I Think it Would Be a Good Idea To Poke Around Facebook For An Hour or Three Syndrome ~ Why? Why do I have to have this damaging disorder? Why, I ask you! Why me? Oh, wait, you have it, too? And you? And you, too? Damn you, Mark Zuckerberg and your wily ways. Facebook addiction is no joke.

Pinterest-itis ~ This is a newly discovered disorder. You might have it if you find yourself pinning, and pinning, and pinning all kinds of fabulousness…but then never actually doing, making, or creating any of the stuff that you so loving pinned. If I didn’t have this disorder I would be a firm-bodied, healthy-minded, organic-soap-making, crafty little chickie with a homemade, tie-dyed bat house hanging in my woods. But I’m not. I’m just sitting here in my pajamas writing a blog. So add Pinterest-itis to my list of disorders.

I think these disorders should be recognized by the medical community. I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies could come up with a pill to cure each one. They would make gobs of money, because seriously, who wouldn’t want to cure their I Double Dog Dare You Disorder with just a small daily dose of medicine? I knew I should have been a doctor. Or a scientific researcher. I missed the boat on that one. Oh great… now I have the dreaded I Missed The Boat Disorder. Will this medical madness never end?