2

My Own Race to Escape

image

We gotta get outta this place…if it’s the last thing we ever do…

So, there’s a new show out on the Science Channel. It’s called Race to Escape. It’s about these teams that are locked in a room and they need to solve different puzzles and challenges in order to escape the room and be free. Looked awesome, so I DVR’d it. And I watched it. And as I was watching it I thought, huh… I could do that. In fact, I DO do that. Everytime my husband and I get a babysitter and go out on a date I have to solve problems and beat challenges in order to get out of the house. It’s my very own little version of Race to Escape.

Observe:

Epic Challenge #1 ~ What to feed the kids for dinner. This is a doozy. Is it considered child endangerment if I give them pizza for dinner AGAIN? It might be. Plus, lately when I call the pizza place I don’t even have to give them my name, I just place my order and they say, “Is there anything else, Mrs. Butters?” Eeeeks. That’s a bad sign. Okay, pizza is out. Head to the freezer…why are there 3 different bags of chicken nuggets all with only 4 nuggets left in each bag? Do frozen nuggets go bad? I can’t tell the bags apart: which one is from last week and which one is from three weeks ago? I don’t know. Can’t risk it. Abort the chicken nugget for dinner plan. On to the cabinet. Why do we always plan to go out on the night before shopping day? There is literally nothing to eat in this house. Let’s see, I have a couple of half empty boxes of pasta…different types, all with different cook times. But if I can strategically put the rotini in first, followed by the bowties a minute later, followed by the elbow macaroni 2 minutes later I should be able to squeak out a scrumptious meal of random pasta with butter. Sweet! First challenge completed. One step closer to escape.

Epic Challenge #2 ~ The house is a mess. Like, trashed. Ugh, these damn kids! No time to read them the riot act, and certainly no time to get them to help pick up. Way faster to just do it myself and yell at them all tomorrow about being slobs. Now let’s see…what is going to make the biggest impact with the least amount of effort here? Dishes first, for sure. It’s amazing how quickly the dishes pile up when you don’t do them for two days. I don’t actually know how there could be so many dirty dishes in the sink seeing as how, like I said, the cupboards are bare and we’ve been eating pizza lately like our lives depend on it. Neither here nor there at this point. Dishes done. Time to start throwing random crap into a basket and shoving it in the corner to be dealt with tomorrow. Oddly there is already a basket full of junk in the corner from when we went out last week. Ooookay. Make a mental note to wake up early tomorrow to go through both baskets of crap and put things in their rightful spots. Time to vacuum. It’s important to note that not long ago my husband purchased a vacuum that you wear on your back. A wearable vacuum. Yup. So vacuuming isn’t just a matter of getting the Hoover out of the closet, it is a matter of strapping a jet pack onto my back and then walking around the house like I’m about to launch off into space. It’s just weird. Vacuuming done. Next, spray a little lemon Pledge around to give the illusion of a dusted house…and DONE! Challenge #2, was no match for me.

Epic Challenge #3 ~ I have nothing to wear. Nothing is clean. Well, scratch that…nothing of MINE is clean. How did I forget to do a load of my own clothes this morning? I meant to make that a priority! Oh wait, I remember now: last night one of them peed the bed so I had to work sheets and blankets into the laundry rotation this morning. Pee sheets trump dirty clothes in the laundry game. Damn it. Okay, don’t panic. I may not have clean clothes but I do have a bunch of dirty clothes. All I need to do is piece together an outfit using the LEAST dirty clothes, spot clean them, spray them with Febreze and launch them into the dryer. Voila! Crisis averted. Challenge #3 was hardly a challenge at all. BAM! One more challenge and I am outta here!

Epic Challenge #4 ~ And so it always comes down to this: the baby sitter will be here in 15 minutes and I haven’t even taken a shower yet. Crikey! Okay, in hindsight I probably should have showered before I did any of the other stuff. That way my hair could have been in a towel drying the whole time. Damn it! But I will not be beat. Oh, I will NOT be beat in this game of escape. It’s time to take the fastest shower of my life. If I can get in and out in 5 minutes that leaves me 5 minutes to dry my (thick) hair, and 5 minutes to get dressed. Ready…set…go! (cue William Tell overture) Shampoo, rinse, condition, soap up, shave the legs, shave the pits, rinse out the conditioner, ooh this water is so warm I don’t want to get out. But I have to. No time to luxuriate. Out of the shower, hair up in a towel and run to the other bathroom. Ignore screaming children. Dry my hair, dry my hair, dry my hair…why does my hair take so long to dry?! Finally done! Plug in straightening iron. Sprint back to bedroom to get dressed. Throw on “clean” clothes. Notice that my clothes have mysteriously shrunk. No time to rethink my less than healthy food choices as of late. Back to the bathroom to finish my hair. Straighten, straighten, straighten. Spray. Done. Unplug straightening iron and make sure that the hot part isn’t touching anything. Go find my shoes. Back to the bathroom to double check placement of cooling-off straightening iron. Is it too close to the hairspray? That’s flammable you know. Move the hairspray just in case. Shriek down the stairs that if anyone hears the doorbell they are to let in the babysitter!! Oh, what’s that? She’s already here? Change tone of voice to a more socially accepted pleasant voice: oh, helloooo! Be right down!┬áLet’s see: clothes on, shoes on, hair done, I’ll do my make-up in the car. Challenge #4 complete!

And I’m out!! I’m free! That’s right, suckas! Now just give me my prize and I’ll be on my way.

Good-bye little house of horrors…hellooooo date night!!