The Legend of the Uninterrupted Adult Conversation

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I don’t think an Uninterrupted Adult Conversation really exists. Sure I’ve heard of it. It’s supposed to be fantastic… I’d actually really like to partake in it. But, sadly, I think it really is just an old urban legend. It’s like Bigfoot or snuffaluffagus… no credible source has ever had a legitimate run-in with it. Sure there are grainy photographs, and large yellow birds trying to prove that it’s not just all hype, that there is, in fact, a gigantic sasquatch that roams the woods. But there are no gigantic foot bones lying around, no fossils, no sasquatch scat to be found anywhere in the woods. That’s how an Uninterrupted Adult Conversation feels to me. There is no evidence that it is real. If there were, you’d have parents all over the world finishing sentences, laughing joyously, and knowing each others’ business. Instead what you have is a conversation like this (which isn’t at ALL annoying):

“So, I was at the…hold on just a minute buddy, I’m talking to Dad. So, I was at the store…yup, just one sec pal. So, I was at the store today and… stop interrupting me. I’m talking to Dad. So, I was at the store today and I saw…I’m talking to Dad! What do you need? What?! No, we’re not going out for ice cream. Okay, where was I, oh yes, so I was at the store today… WHAT?! I don’t care if your brother said that we are going for ice cream. We are NOT going for ice cream. So, at the store today I saw this really cool thing… stop asking me questions. You’re being rude. So, this thing I saw at the store was so cool, you would love it…are you guys kidding me right now?! Yes, maybe we can go for ice cream. I just need ten minutes to talk to Dad. Okay, so this thing was awesome you would love it…if you’re interrupting me again you better be bleeding. Okay, wait, what was I talking about?”

It drives my husband crazy. It drives me crazy. I try to have a talk with the interrupter about interrupting and how it’s rude, and how two people can’t talk at once, etc etc. But the whole time I’m talking, the interrupter is talking because yes, in fact, two people CAN talk at once. As long as one of them is a kid and thinks that just because she is talking someone is listening.

I don’t think my husband and I have had a full conversation at home in a dog’s age. I remember not long ago he had back surgery, and few weeks after the surgery someone asked me how he was feeling…and I was like, huh, I don’t know. I think he must be feeling okay because I see him walking around the house and we pass each other in the hall and stuff and he doesn’t seem to be in pain. So, yes, I’m going to go with he feels great, thanks for asking. (Mental note to ask husband how his back is feeling.)

The only time that we are not bombarded by little people trying to talk to us is usually at 11:00 at night. And then the conversation goes like this:
Husband: “Do you ever wish we traveled more before we had kids.”
Me: “No”
Husband: “Why didn’t we go places when we could?”
Husband: “Oh my God, did you just fall asleep in the middle of our conversation?”
Me: “What? No. I’m awake. What was the question?”

I think the minute that someone finds out they are pregnant they should sit down with their significant other and immediately just start talking about everything they can possibly think of. It will be your last chance for a long time to just talk. Make lists and take notes about all the different scenarios that could arise in the future and how you would handle them. Talk about how to handle bad report card grades, how you would spend the money if you won the lottery, should you give the kids an allowance once a week or only if they have done chores, if one of you should accidentally back into the other’s car and leave a huge dent how would you best handle that, etc. You know, that kind of stuff. That way when these things come up there will be no need to try and sit down together and process the situation and come up with a solution (that sounds great, huh??) you can just refer to chapter 2, paragraph 3 from your book of notes and see the solution right there. No. Need. To. Talk.

Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go hiking in my back woods to try to see if I can find bigfoot. Hopefully I will find some evidence of him, and I can tell my husband all about it when he gets home later…oh, wait, never mind.