My brain is crammed with information. Crammed. Sure, most of the information is completely useless and totally irrelevant outside the confines of my own mind. But still, sometimes it’s good to have access to a huge mass of utterly useless knowledge. I like to think of all this data as not just completely idiotic stuff that I have learned since having kids, but more like extremely important life lessons that my most brilliant children have bestowed upon me. For example:
1. It’s really sad when someone puts your blankie in the washing machine. Even if your blankie smelled like canned peas and could practically walk around the house by itself.
2. Your 11-year-old son may not be interested in this book, but his 5 year old sister will carry it around like it is the Holy Grail.
3. Giving a three-year-old a chocolate bar in the car is not a good idea. I repeat, it is NOT a good idea.
4. Face paint isn’t just for faces. (Seriously, do know how hard it is to get face paint out of all the nooks and crannies of the human body?)
5. It’s fun to put a sticker on your cheek. It is NOT fun to take a sticker OFF your cheek.
6. Burying yourself up to your neck in the sand, while your peers stand around you with shovels, probably only SEEMS like a good idea.
7. When one son has another son in a sleeper choke hold it is a good time to take a picture.
8. If you can’t find a plate, you can always eat corn out of your hat.
9. Painter’s Tape + Boys = THIS (Don’t feel bad for the taped child…it was his idea.)
10. These two should never be allowed to dress themselves. Seriously. Like, EVER.
11. Applying pink lipstick just outside your natural lip line (and on your nose, eye, and chin) will make your lips look fuller…
12. …if you don’t have pink lipstick handy, purple magic marker is perfectly acceptable.
And last but not least…
13. It’s very important to label your candles so you know what they smell like.
So there you have it. Now my useless info is your useless info. You’re quite welcome!