Last year my daughter, who was four at the time, came sashaying down the stairs all super sassy and proud because she had gotten herself dressed without having to be told. As I’m telling her how fab she is, she mentions all super casual that, oh by the way, she couldn’t find any clean underwear, so she is wearing a pair of mine. And off she flounces into the play room. Wait, WHAT? MY underwear? Need I mention that I am a fully grown adult, and her whole entire body is about the size of my right leg? How is this even possible? How is it even staying up? So I tracked her down and asked her: “How is this even possible? How is it even staying up?” She pulls her shirt down over one shoulder and shows me that in order to get my relatively gigantic underwear to stay up (RELATIVELY gigantic. Relatively. It’s not gigantic. It’s regular sized underwear. It’s just huge, you know, compared to her), so in order to get my super cute but relatively gigantic underwear to stay up she has it up over her shoulders. Like Borat. Which somehow struck her as a reasonable option, and not completely absurd.
But I’m no fool. I know absurd when I see it. And I see it a LOT.
So I decided to make a short list of some of the absurdity that I live with:
The Winter Coat Fights: The other day it was 29 degrees out. 29. That is cold. Undeniably. Not even debatable… except to my 8-year-old. My 8-year-old was standing outside shivering to death, lips turning blue, and fingertips showing the first tell-tale signs of frostbite while insisting that he was warm. All you could see were white puffs of air coming out of his mouth as he tried to convince my husband (who was ready to blow a gasket) that it was, in fact, not cold out. That it was actually warm enough that he could stay out all day and be perfectly comfortable, and that under no circumstance was he wearing a winter coat to school.
The Pencil Sharpening That Has Gotten Completely Out of Hand: I recently got a new electric pencil sharpener because for some reason no one can ever find a sharpened pencil anywhere in the whole house. So I bought a big thing of pencils and this really cool pencil sharpener. And I was psyched because I thought that now all our pencils worries would be over. And they were, kind of. We now have zillions of pencils to choose from. Except they all look like this:
The Uneaten Sandwich: Why does this one particular child bring his half eaten or uneaten food home with him in his lunch bag? (Unless it’s like an unopened prepackaged bag of Doritos, in which case, nice job.)Why doesn’t he just throw it in the trash at school? It’s not that I always care, except for when he specifically asks for a certain sandwich for his lunch, and I go out and buy all the fixings and make him the nice sandwich that he requested…and then that sandwich comes home uneaten and untouched? I don’t get it. And, clearly, neither does he. Just throw it away at school, man. I’m cool with that. You don’t have to even tell me. I don’t mind living in a fantasy world. As long as it is a nice fantasy world that involves my son eating the food that I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR and OH-SO-LOVINGLY PACKED FOR HIM!
The Dark Side of Face Paint: Okay, I may have to accept some of the responsibility for the absurdity of this face painting eyesore. But in my defense it kept her occupied for about 15 minutes. And, really, did I know she was going to go full face red? I was picturing a little rainbow on her cheek, or maybe a butterfly or something. She does take a mean selfie, though, huh?
The Apple Swan: I’m happy that you want a healthy snack. I’m thrilled that you asked for an apple. I’m beyond delighted that I actually have apples in the house since it is the day before shopping day and we usually are eating whatever crumbs, crap, and leftovers we can find. But, can’t you just eat the damn apple sliced up into nice wedges like a normal person? Do you HAVE to have it cut and reassembled into the shape of a swan? I’m not doing it. I’m too busy. Not happening. Okay, maybe just this once.
The Most Absurd Game Of All Time: And then there was the time, shortly after we bought the girls their booster seats, that the boys thought this would be a fun game. I don’t think I need to even elaborate on the absurdity of this. I will just let the pictures speak for themselves.